Uncertainty

I see from my "This Day in History" widget in 1845 Edgar Allan Poe published "The Raven." I've only read a little of his work, which I find intriguing and a bit of a pandora's box. Incidentally, the home I lived in from ages two through seven outside of Richmond had bricks that were salvaged from the studio next to Poe's.

One of my very favorite of his quotes is: "The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends and the other begins."

Life is delicate, fleeting and entirely fragile. Therein one finds the beauty and meaning in it. I'm having challenge making sense of things right now. I think it's bedtime. Tomorrow is a new day full of amazing possibilities.

Update on Mom Jan. 29th

Hello, All,

Hope this message finds you well.

It has been just more a one week since my mom began a trial-based chemotherapy treatment program. Her first infusion a week ago Wednesday and her second occurred today. I’m pleased to report she seems to be doing rather well, certainly much better than she had anticipated, or rather dreaded. Aside from feeling a bit low on energy toward the early part of this week, she’s holding up strong.

They anticipate mom will lose her hair following today’s treatment. As such, she was fitted for wigs today at SCCA. They sent her home with two. They become her, one more so than the other in my humble opinion, and give her a more youthful appearance. I’ve attached a photo I just took of her tonight with her new hair. Of course she was concerned about getting her new ‘do cut and styled prior to a photo opp and wanted to make sure she had some lipstick on. It’s truly wonderful to have her concerned about such things. That’s the mom I know and love.

The upside to all of this is she no longer has to fuss with her hair in the morning, which was a considerable time commitment for her. She’ll just love that I shared that and yes I’m being sarcastic. J Also, she no longer has to wake up at 7:00 a.m. each morning to take the daily pill treatment she was previously on. Mom has been able to sleep in each morning, which I think is better for her overall wellbeing.

Mom and Al are still staying with Terry and I for the time being. We’ve been helping them buy a bank-owned townhome in a 55+ community just down the road from us. The process has been unexpectedly complicated. We were supposed to have closed earlier this month. They are both so excited about this prospect. So please send your positive thoughts and prayers this home works out for them. It would be such a great place for them to be settled over here close to us with an active community of their peers, walking trails and great access to Town for medical, etc.

I’ll continue to keep you all posted periodically. Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and support.

All my best,

Happy New Year

2015 is certainly off to a start. My husband and I agreed to leave the following behind us in 2014: anxiety; illness, impatience and procrastination. I think we may have overdone it on the procrastination as we jumped right into a substantial home remodel project the day my mom and Al arrived back from tying up their loose ends in Coeur d'Alene. With the house, namely our sleeping quarters, in chaos and a terminally ill elder under our roof, we are certainly anxious for our lives to feel more settled.

Part of our lives being settled hinges on my mom and Al's lives being settled in their own place. They sold their home in Idaho, which closed at the tail end of last week. I found them an ideal place over here, which I'm co-signing on and representing us in the purchase. We were slated to close tomorrow. This new home deal means everything to my mom She is so excited about it, and I honestly think it is giving her longevity.

Late Friday I received an email from my lender, notifying me underwriting needed some additional clarification on my income. Incidentally I'm co-signing on my mom's loan in addition to representing us in the purchase. I am a small business owner, thus I would expect additional scrutiny. At the same time, this scrutiny I would have anticipated weeks ago. They've had all of my supporting documentation since prior to Thanksgiving.

While this loan process is unfolding completely haphazardly, other things have gone well. We were expecting for my mom to have to cough up $5k-$6k for a moving company. As it turns out, Al's family local to Coeur d'Alene all pitched in to pack them up, rent a U-Haul and move them over, saving them thousands. The plan was to close on the sale and then the purchase a few days later and move them directly into their new garage while we make interior improvements. Best laid plans ... So now we have a truck full of their household goods and have to scramble finding a place for it all to go. Then we'll have to move them a second time vs. just from garage to house. After spending a weekend wondering whether this new home deal was actually going to go through, as of late yesterday I have confidence of its success. That this is happening and our appraised value is more than $15k higher than our contract purchase value, I'd say we're overall in pretty good shape.

Meanwhile, back at home, we have an oncology appointment for my mom this morning. She has been waiting for a couple weeks to find out whether she's a candidate for a trial program. This resulted from her current treatment being effective, just not as effective as her oncologist would like to see. I cannot imagine the level and degree of anxiety my mom is grappling with. I am optimistic she will be accepted into the program and this new treatment course will be somewhat of a miracle. Yes, I know this is wishful thinking.

Yesterday my mom and I had a chance to connect. I was able to calmly relay to her the hiccups in our deal, be open about the fine line I had to walk between her excitement and my fear that it may not happen. We were able to talk about our feelings of disconnect, that she doesn't feel like she's gotten to be my mom and that I haven't been feeling like I've gotten to be her son.

Though this time is difficult, it is only a short phase of life.

Update on Mom Jan. 20th

Hello, All,

Hope this message finds you well. Just a brief update today. Mom had a consult this morning with her oncologist Dr. Martins about next step in treatment options. Happy to report she is even less anemic than she was last week. So her hemoglobin levels are continuing to improve since her two blood transfusions over the holidays. Most importantly my mom continues to report feeling well and much stronger.

At today’s meeting Dr. Martins discussed the two treatment options he proposes. Both are chemotherapy. There is a standard care chemo, which has two agents and tends to elevate blood toxicity. There is also a trial chemo, which has only one agent and lower blood toxicity. Standard care would be one round every three weeks. The trial is one round weekly with one week off. Standard care has less likelihood of hair loss. The trial has less likelihood of nausea and vomiting.

My mom has conceded to the hair loss as she has already lost quite a bit. Most important to her is feeling as well as possible/having a high/normal quality of life. As such, she has selected the trial chemo known by its drug name as Abraxane. She begins this treatment tomorrow morning.

Overall my mom is encouraged by Dr. Martin’s confidence and the hope he inspires during consults. I have to say, he is truly wonderful. My mom feels she is absolutely in the best possible care she could be in. Of course she is apprehensive about how she will respond to the chemo on two fronts: tumor shrinkage and overall wellness. I told her today when I encounter situations I’m unfamiliar with, if I think it’s going to go poorly it usually does. She got the memo and acknowledges she will pour some positivity into her mindset.

I’ll update again when there is news to report on her new phase of treatment progress. Thank you for your positive support!

All my best,

Update on Mom Jan. 16th

Hello, All, Happy New Year!

Hope this message finds you well.

Happy to report my mom is feeling very well. She looks good and is eating very well. We had an oncology follow up this last week. Her levels are all looking good. She responded well to her pre-holiday blood infusions.

We have been anticipating that mom would be a candidate for a very promising cancer treatment trial. They informed us at the end of the week she does not have the right genetic mutation for this particular trial.

Dr. Martins has stated while the current treatment is effective, it’s just not as effective as he would like to see. To better manage the tumors in the immediate, Dr. Martins recommends one of two chemotherapy treatment courses. After which mom would resume the daily pill she has been taking since late summer.

Of course mom is very apprehensive about chemo. She’s mostly concerned about potentially being sick, especially now that she has been feeling so well. She’s also concerned about hair loss. This bump in the road has her frustrated and a bit down. At the same time, mom feels so grateful for the care she is receiving at SCCA. She loves her oncologist who we’re confident is doing everything possible to support my mom’s cancer battle.

After Christmas, mom and Al returned to Coeur d’Alene to tie up loose ends and close the house sale. They were preparing to have movers pack and haul everything over to Seattle after the first week of January. In what I can only convey as a completely generous act of compassion, Al’s daughter Michele and her family spent countless hours packing and moved their belongings over here. Simply amazing.

We were anticipating having closed the purchase of mom and Al’s new place this week. The closing process is taking a bit longer than anticipated. It’s looking like things will be finalized in the next week or so. Then we have some sprucing up to do before they can move in. They’re really excited about their new home and community.

Thank you as always for all your positive thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement to my mom. She’s really anxious about this next treatment phase. I am optimistic it will be much better than she envisions. Only time will tell. More to come in the week ahead after she chooses which form of chemotherapy to undergo. At that time we’ll have a better idea of what we can expect.

All my best,