Yesterday's Issue

Josh emails me an apology:

"It was nice to finally meet you, unfortunate as the circumstance may be. First off, I want to apologize to you for having to witness/hear what took place yesterday between my grandpa and I. I feel badly that it upset your mom, my mom, and for the language that I used. However, I will not apologize for the message I was sending to Al. I've spoken to my Uncle Mike a few times and know how frustrated you and he both are regarding my grandpa's actions or lack thereof since Patty's diagnosis. I've always been the guy to defend my grandpa but honestly I'm so disappointed in him right now words can't really describe it. I don't need to explain to you as to why I lost my temper, I'm sure you have a good idea why.

Secondly, I will continue to be there to support Patty. She is such a kind and loving woman who is adored by everyone in my family. I hope the permanent move to Seattle brings some level of happiness for both her and my grandpa. Being around her best friends and you is where she belongs. Thank you for being there for her while some others get it together and do the same.
Respectfully, Josh

Sent from my iPhone"

I reply:

"> Thank you so much for your message, Josh! I understand perfectly well why you were/are so frustrated. I appreciate your apology, at the same time completely unnecessary as far as I'm concerned. Believe me, I've heard far worse. In some way I think you channelled and expresses the profound frustration most of us have been feeling around Al's lack of support and/or ability to assist my mom.
>
> For the better part of the last two decades I've watched my mom care for Al with all her being. She goes above and beyond, I'm sure you also know this to be true. Recently she acknowledged perhaps she has done too much for him over the years as he is completely reliant upon her as he becomes less and less self reliant. He has no awareness how he impacts my mom, from what I gather, and now more than ever she needs a helping hand.
>
> I know I'm preaching to the choice here. Seems like everyone sees this situation for what it is. My mom loves Al so much. He told me yesterday the same about my mom. Love is a behavior as much if not more than anything. He told me all the work he's been doing researching her cancer online. She has an oncologist, the very best available. She needs a partner who can listen to what is being asked and follow through, not another medical practitioner.
>
> My mom, bless her soul, is compassionate and empathetic to a fault. She sees how Al is regressing, and she's so disempowered around it. I think all of us are.
>
> When I first went out to get them in late July, Al was falling to pieces emotionally every five or 10 minutes. I took him aside to have a sympathetic heart-to-heart about how we have to remain strong and positive for my mom because every time she she's him get upset she feels horrible. That's counter to what benefits her health. I asked him to call on me or Mike or any family member if he needs to talk through things as to unburden my mom. I embraced him. He told my mom I yelled at him. So I found myself at a loss as to how to even talk with him rationally and have him understand the importance of what I was saying. That and I just don't have the relationship with him that you all do. I was even able to be loving toward him despite finding horse race bid sheets dated the previous day when I took out the trash. That's a whole separate can of worms.
>
> Since my mom relayed to Al that we're looking into single family housing here, and since I showed him a place that's workable in 55+ community near us, he seemed to get enthusiastic about the idea of coming over here.
>
> Overall, Al just isn't connecting the dots. I don't know if it's because he's being stubborn and childish or if he can no longer comprehend at the same level. The latter is actually more concerning because it will be much more difficult to address if it can even be addressed.
>
> I'm very solution oriented, and I feel strongly there has to be a way to, compassionately, get through to Al. I think one of the core underlying issues is he doesn't take care of himself. He won't see a Dr. He's told my mom on numerous occasions he thinks about taking his own life (like that's what a rational human tells a stage four cancer patient). The flip side of the coin is acknowledging being cause in the matter of one's own life. Taking responsibility. Realizing change is possible, and one can work through a problem.
>
> The right solution will present itself. I am optimistic when they are more settled, things will settle down. Being at their age and having so much uncertainty must be so difficult. Only time will tell how things go from here.
>
> From your below message I get that your heart is in exactly the right place. From what I gather about your family, you're all really close, which is awesome.
>
> The situation to this point could certainly have proceeded much smoother and more expeditiously if Al was fully on board and doing all my mom has asked of him. Either way, things are moving forward and we'll get them squared away.
>
> Let's all continue standing, productively, for them getting their shit together and their proverbial house in order. If there's anything more I can do, please let me know.
>
> All the best,"

He replies:

"Thank you for the response. We're on the same page and view the situation similarly. You are so right about everyone needing to stay supportive and positive. Both my grandpa and Patty need that. I hope he recognizes that it's now his turn to step up and take care of her. She's carried him for a long time, in more ways than one.

See you guys in a couple weeks! Josh"