Life Lessons

I'm in a quiet house, enjoying the solitude. My bestie phoned earlier. She and her fiancé are at odds. They met in April 2014, were engaged by August 2014, moved in together September 2014, became pregnant in October 2014 and their child was born May 2015.

No doubt their relationship developed at break-neck speed. Now that my bestie's head has stopped spinning, she's coming to that realization as well. Successful relationships take time to evolve, to create a foundation of trust, love and mutual understanding. This is something I believe to be deeply lacking in their relationship, from an outsider's perspective. And from being an outsider who is in a committed relationship, a marriage with a strong foundation.

My bestie and her fiancé had been seeing a couple's counselor. Her fiancé's attitude about it was that it was really just for her, it's too expensive and he doesn't see the point. Her mindset is this is intended to help support them in creating a healthy, long-lasting, mutually beneficial relationship. Until their intentions are aligned, they won't be creating much of anything productive together.

As an outsider, I see a pattern emerge from my bestie's relationship challenges. She feels as though she's doing most of the heavy lifting. From what I've seen I would agree with that assessment. She feels as though he is an empty shell at times, as though there's no one really there below the surface. I see how he is very checked out at times. He is inattentive to her, to their household with the exceptions of himself and their baby. She wants to do for him because it's her way of showing affection, that she cares for him. He once told her he doesn't bring her flowers very often because he doesn't want to spoil her. This seems he's coming from a place quite juxtaposed to the place she's coming from. Truth be known, it is really through giving we receive.

I have warned my bestie about this pattern whereby he's bringing very little to the table, she calls him out and over time they have a blow out. That approach isn't working.

Her fiancé is a very frequent weight lifter. It's almost as though he has built an armor around himself, as though he's trying to protect himself, protect his heart. My bestie has a similar quality around a fear of vulnerability, of being hurt, of her heart being broken. She's historically maintained a tactic of leaving the relationship before the other person has a chance to.

Below everyone's surface, everyone's ego, is a purely amazing, loving and lovable being. Peeling the layer of one's ego away can be a painful process. It shakes us up and puts us well outside of our comfort zone. And this is how we grow mentally and more important spiritually. No pain, no gain.

The over arching lesson from all this is one I can wholeheartedly relate to. It's the lesson my incurable disease has shown me, one my Lyme literate naturopath warned me about. Life is sending a clear message to slow down. If the lesson isn't learned this time around, it will be taught again under much more challenging of circumstances.

Let us all take some time to unwind, decompress, slow down and be kind to ourselves. We owe it to each other and ourselves to do so ...