No Win Situation

When I think of writing about myself, I have often been inclined to cast my husband as the antagonist. In fact, I am pretty sure the reader would most dislike his real life character based on how his behavior and actions are reported in objective reality. That in and of itself should say something, shouldn't it?

I've been sick with Lyme and a couple co-infections for about four and a half years now. My husband has known me since long before illness, during a time when I felt unstoppable. My life was so full then of fun, friends, going out on the town, being active; brimming over with vitality. Most days now all I have the bandwidth for is work and rest.

I used to be angry about being chronically ill. My disease has taken so much from me. Enjoyment in simple things I once took for granted; like eating complex foods at some glam restaurant. The most painful things ripped from me; friends. While loss is often painful, it can also be cleansing. I make an effort to find gratitude in the things and once important people who have fallen by the wayside. If something is meant to be, it will be. In fact I often tell my clients the right deal always materializes.

My in-laws are in town for my husband's cousin's memorial, which was Friday. Everything "extracurricular" I do I often have to map out in advance, if even to mentally prepare for additional human interaction. Sounds crazy, right? It does to me anyway. At the same time, it's my present reality.

The thing is, I wake up everyday feeling like I'm hung over. Only there was no night before bender to induce this sorry state. Even if I get a solid eight, uninterrupted hours of sleep (insomnia is common with this illness) I still wake up feeling unrested, like shit. So it takes me quite a bit to get going in the mornings, including time to medicate, eat and medicate again, etc. With limited bandwidth, it's important for me to be able to plan, as much as possible, how I allocate my energy day-to-day.

I've been working some crazy long hours the past couple weeks, which is super hard on me. One week, everyday I was up and immediately launched into work on my laptop in bed not to put down my day (dressing, meals and bathroom breaks aside) until bedtime; for days consecutive. Wake up, work, go to bed and do it all over again. That's no way to live, for anyone. Last year I did the majority of my production, which was equivalent to the previous year, in six months. By early October I hit a wall. Nearly six months later I feel like I still haven't fully recovered from overworking myself.

Within the past few weeks, in a fit of frustration, I told my husband I wanted to quit my job. He said if I did we'd end up getting divorced, because we would run out of money. I asked if that's all I was to him; just a paycheck. I don't exactly recall how he tried to talk his way out of that one, feebly no doubt.

Yesterday I was on the road by 8:30 a.m., which really takes something for me. It means planning, extra effort. Had a brief break from 12:20 p.m. to around 1:00 p.m. between driving the hour or so back from my morning appointment to lunch, medicate and write up an offer contract for the client I was going back out to meet at 1:00 p.m. During my rushed, multi-tasking lunch time my husband walked in the house with my mother-in-law. I received them cordially. At the same time I was focused on the tasks at hand. My mother-in-law asked if I was going to dinner at my brother-in-law's that night. I said it was the first I was hearing of it. Just then my husband brashly began berating me about how I have so many message notifications on my phone I didn't see his text message.

I asked when he sent the message. He said about 15 or 20 minutes prior. So I reminded him of my activities to that point, asking him when I would have been focused on anything other than the task at hand. I then asked if dinner would be in an environment where I wasn't constantly being made wrong, because then I would consider it.

Honestly, I would rather be able to spend leisure time with family than feel like I need to recharge. My biological batteries have been feeling consistently quite depleted. It's during these times having additional interpersonal interaction feels like a pull.