Life's Small Miracles in Two Cities

Have you ever been at your best and worst at the same time? Life keeps throwing proverbial curve balls, one after the other, sometimes simultaneous. You press on through the challenges head on. Overwhelmed often times, seemingly unable to catch a break.

In 20 days I will run out of thyroid medication, which has enabled me to live a normalesque quality of life. I'm supposed to be out of the country the week after next. My chronic symptoms, such as having reactions to basic foods I'm accustomed to eating, have flared up during the past few weeks.

My mom is battling stage four lung cancer, health benefits close to expiring, living on a small fraction of median income, desperately needing affordable housing and dealing with a life "partner" who is far less than uncooperative.

Then there's finding time to actually run my business amid giving what time I can to my mom. Sometimes it is all just a lot.

Yesterday as I was in the middle of phone calls trying in vain to find someone who can help me secure the medication I require, my mom started to cry. She looked down despairingly, shaking her head she said rhetorically, with such dramatic inflection in her voice, "What's happened to our lives?" Something about her including me in her pity party really struck a nerve.

"I'm good with my life, mom, just have some challenges," I said. "I don't have problems with my problems." This may have been more along the lines of wishful thinking yesterday as I was reaching a breaking point of frustration, understandably.

After this morning's oncology appointment, I was able to share some encouraging, positive news about my mom. I then received the following response from my dearest friend, who replied all to my mom's contact list:

"I speak for everyone when I say, Thank you BW Davis! It’s comforting to know Patty has such an advocate in you.

I’m sending love and strength to you both as I know it must be challenging for you to manage your own

health, your business and your mom’s special needs. You’re an amazing son and I know your mom glows with

appreciation and pride J Biggest Hugs in the world! Stay strong and positive and keep the updates coming.

xo M"

Have noticed this odd dovetailing between my mom's and my best friend's lives. My mom is diagnosed with cancer. My best friend gets engaged. My mom's health is improving. My best friend, who is "unofficially" pregnant (it's now just week seven), texts me tonight from the ER ...

Bestie: "Bleeding w/tissue. Taking blood, urine and doing ultrasound. Waiting for J. Keep u posted. Real possibility that the little guy wants to move on"

Me: "Oh shit! Are you OK, do you need anything? What can I do? Could mean more bed rest. Keep calm. God makes no mistakes."

Bestie: "Just send good thoughts and strength and vibes of acceptance. I think that there is something not right. Tissue in the blood."

Me: "Of course, have already shared with Terry. All our love & positive thoughts are on their way. 

Bestie: "Emoticon of a winky face blowing a heart kiss."

Me: "Emoticons of hearts and lipstick kiss marks alternating in a single row. My mom, Terry & I just lit a candle. We all held hands around it and sent you infinite love, strength and positive thoughts. We all love you SO very much!"

Bestie: "Thank you. Had ultra sound and pelvic examine. Waiting for dr to review. Did see ultrasound and saw the baby. Tech said right where he should be and I saw his heart beating. Blood could be associated with embro burrowing. I feel positive but not out if woods yet. Love to u!!!!"

Me: "Still holding good thoughts, thank you for the update. Keep me posted, please. Love you!!!"

Bestie: "We will. It positive and I'm not cramping"

Me: "Our thoughts are with all 3 of you. XO"

Bestie: "Thank you!"

Besite: "We were released and they said pregnancy is normal and bleeding is Normal. Okay to wait for dr on Monday. Phew

Me: Thank God! We are so happy. You must feel such a sense of relief. You already have the perfect mommy instinct by immediately addressing concern. Love u!

Bestie: "Thank you! So relieved"

Me: "The ultra sound is amazing! I'm so glad all 3 of you are OK. We will all sleep well tonight. Rest yourself, my dear."

Bestie: "Xo"

Seeing this little miracle on screen, I'm awestruck and humbled. Life itself is so delicate, seemingly always hanging in some precarious balance. Yet it is resilient.

Despite the challenges I'm facing head on right now, I am so grateful for these magic moments when we can brilliantly illuminate life's dark, uncertainty. At times I have felt fragile and defeated only to be reminded I have someone great willing to be my champion, and me theirs. This gives me such strength and fills my heart.

I want to one day tell my best friend's beautiful child about the first trick they played, almost in time for Halloween even.

Earlier today my neighbor enthusiastically thinned out the giant magnolia tree in front of our home because he wanted to. When he was finished, he hauled the huge pile of branches away and re-raked. When I thanked him, he said it was just a good day to do it, the weather was right. It was clear out, calm. Today the sun shined favorably on us all ...

Update on Mom Oct. 16

Hello, all,

Positive news to report … Mom is doing well and feeling much better. She says she feels stronger, she looks healthier and she’s starting to put on a bit of much needed weight. That’s typically something one would dare not ever say about a woman. J

We had a follow up with her oncologist Dr. Martins today. Based on her report of wellness along with strong vitals, including her liver function returning to normal, he is of the mind he may not need to see her back for another month.

Regarding her recent scan from a little more than a week ago, Dr. Martins is of the mind to stay the course with her treatment. He said he would rather make the right decision over a quick decision. He reiterated that it would be surprising if the cancer mutation type she has is not responding to the treatment she’s currently undergoing. Overall he said he’s encouraged that things are going in the right direction and he’s much less worried today about the daily pill’s effectiveness.

As for the trapped lung, Dr. Martins explained the tumor is at the entrance of the lung. As such, it is constricting that airway. Over time he expects the tumor to recede, which will allow more air to flow and eventually the lung to resume normal shape and function. That my mom is breathing well, far less short of breath than she had been in previous weeks and able to do substantially more physically, these are all very good indications.

Mom has an appointment to return for a follow up visit 10/30, unless she continues to feel as well as she is now. Then she won’t need to return for an oncology follow up until mid November.

In the meantime, mom’s going to attend a patient support group on 10/23, which I am confident she will greatly benefit from. This will allow her to connect with and relate to others who are dealing with similar health challenges, possibly even a resource or two that can give her advice on things that may further aid her wellness. Mom’s staying put in Western Washington for the foreseeable future.

More updates to follow soon …

All my best,

Update on Mom Oct. 07

Hello, All,

Hope this message finds you well.

Mom has had quite a past 24 hours. She is just fine, staying with Terry and I tonight.

I took her in for tests and a procedure yesterday at 1:30 PM. We were anticipating being done by around 5 PM. Yesterday’s procedure included draining fluid from her right lung. They took about 1.5 liters out. This was done such that they could perform another CT scan and better see the tumor(s).

Upon initial review of mom’s scan, the attending radiology doctor was quite concerned that her lung failed to re-inflate after the fluid removal. He called it a “trapped lung.” This he characterized as a chronic condition caused by fluid between the lung and the outer wall, and is fairly common with cancer patients because the cancer makes the tissue more rigid.

As a precautionary measure, the attending doctor referred us to the ER at UW Medical Center where the tests and procedure were performed. They evaluated mom’s vitals, which were all stable, except her blood pressure was a little high (understandably out of being somewhat anxious). They admitted her for overnight observation, and finally got her into a room by around 11 PM last night.

Mom was scheduled to have a follow up with her oncologist this morning. Because she was admitted and under the care of another medical team, her oncologist allowed them to take the lead.

The other medical team was initially comprised of thorasic surgeons who evaluated whether to recommend an intervening treatment to either coerce mom’s right lung back into shape or possibly for the insertion of a chest tube or catheter so she could drain the fluid on her own. At this time they are going to leave it up to mom’s oncologist to recommend whether anything further be done at this time or she may continue to be treated for the lung fluid accumulation outpatient.

Because mom wasn’t symptomatic after the fluid removal, despite the trapped lung, and there was no change in the shape of her right lung between last night and this morning, the attending doctors released her around 2 PM today. Before she was released we had a phone consult with her oncologist as he was able to review the results from yesterday’s scans. The good news is the cancer has not spread. The bad news is the largest tumor appears to have grown.

Dr. Martins said this is unusual for the treatment she’s on and the specific type of mutation her medication is specifically engineered to target. There’s a slim chance the tumor growth occurred between her initial scan in late July and the time she began treatment about a month later. Despite the oncologist’s statement about the results being unusual, he’s not yet of the mind to change treatment course at this time. He may employ other treatment methods. This remains to be determined.

Mom’s oncologist requested a follow up next week on Oct. 16^th. She has been advised to go to emergency if she develops symptoms such as fever, shortness of breath or chest pain.

Except for being understandably frustrated by the events of the past 24 hours and today’s news about the tumor status, mom is doing well. She’s eating a little more, though many things she used to enjoy she either has no palette for or they offend her sense of smell. This is a side effect of her treatment. She has put on a pound. She was instructed by a physical therapist this morning to be regularly active at least once per day.

All my best,

Update on Mom Oct. 02

Hello, All,

Hope this message finds you well.

Mom and Al came back to Seattle Tuesday. Mom had a follow up oncology consultation today. My apologies as I may have indicated in a previous update it was on Oct. 7 – that was a typo.

Here’s what we know … Mom has continued to lose weight, which concerns her oncologist (as well as those around her). For a three week spell she had been feeling poorly with nausea and low energy. This made it challenging for her to eat. Very pleased to report she’s been feeling much better the past five days. She attributes this mostly to streamlining her meds, discontinuing anything unnecessary. I find this extremely encouraging as it is a sign mom is more empowered in and enrolled in her own health care and choices. She met with an SCCA nutritionist today, and I’m optimistic since she’s feeling better she’ll be able to maintain a healthy weight. In the meantime, the weight loss means her oncologist wants to monitor her more closely.

Today we had anticipated having an understanding of the status of her tumor(s). Mom’s lungs have accumulated more fluid, and this made it too challenging for the radiologist and the oncologist to make a reasonable determination about the cancer based on today’s scan. The next step is to drain her lung fluid, which is expected to provide mom relief from her shortness of breath (which has been one of her top, persisting complaints). This will be followed up by another scan, and at that time we anticipate knowing how effective the daily pill treatment is. This is slated to occur within the week, so expect another update from me in the days ahead. Her oncologist Dr. Martins said with regard to her treatment, “It would be highly unusual for the tumor not to respond.” This particular medication has been in use for cancer treatment practice for the past 10 years, so there is much data known about it.

The best news is that mom reported to Dr. Martins she is feeling better today than she had been prior to beginning treatment, the three week period of feeling lousy being the exception, and that seemed to dissipate about five days ago. So her general wellness appears to be on an upward trend.

Also, I had mentioned some of the realities my mom was experiencing at the time of my last update. While I will do all I can to keep things positive, and recall having asked you to do similar, I feel it is important to also acknowledge when things are what they are; good, bad or otherwise. Knowing what someone is dealing with tends to best enable us to know better how to support them. Mom has embarked on a major life journey. Treatment and management of this terminal disease is expected to help prolong and give her a normal quality of life as much as possible. Life has its ups and downs. There will be times she needs more love, support and encouragement than others. She appreciates so much all your outpourings, thank you.

If you have questions, please let me know.

All my best,

9/29 Reality ...

Today's email to my naturopath/PCP (an update on my two-year struggle with chronic illness):  
Hello, Dr. Congdon,

Hope this message finds you well.

Within the past few weeks it seems my health has once more backslid. Still healthier than when I first began seeing you. So that is good.

Randomly experience heart palpitations where it feels like my heart is slowing to a stop, then beats rapidly for a short spell and corrects. This causes light-headedness.

More concerning is eating as my food responses have flared up, even reactions to foods I commonly eat. Such responses include runny nose. shortness of breath and throat discomfort whereas it feels as though my throat is swelling and/or it becomes difficult to swallow.

On a bigger picture level, my concern is that feeling mediocre becomes the best I can hope for. Not having any clear understanding about the nature of my health issues, no expectation around what to expect and no clear path to chart are all disconcerting.

Saw Dr. Murray last week. His perspective is that my thyroid levels are stable. My blood pressure is better, on the low side of normal vs. low. Regarding palpitations, all he said is that's typically indicative of someone who is hyper vs. hypo.

I've added more salt to my diet, which has helped some with hydration and shortness of breath. My food reactions have lessened a bit and are still more prevalent these past couple weeks than they've been in quite some time.

Your first available appt. is Nov. 21. I've an upcoming check-up scheduled this week with Dr. Virant. Not expecting anything groundbreaking there. Also scheduled a GI appt. with Dr. Lewis, Oct. 21 being his first available.

Feeling like a clearer understanding of causality and thus treatment exists. Unsure how to pursue it. I want to fully recover my health if at all possible. Do you have any other recommendations I can look into?

Thank you and all the best,

Brad

9/29 Dream ...

Last night I had some strange-ass dream. My girlfriends Margo and Kelly and I were traipsing around San Francisco dressed in costumes for Halloween (or some similar festivity). I was dressed as a Geisha. It was a costume I borrowed from Margo, and dare I admit a very unflattering one. My tits looked terrible.

We paid a visit to a few apartment buildings in which the residents had cooperated to host various themed endeavors, including a haunted/fun house of sorts. At one point we were at an outdoor gathering. A light snow was falling, coating the streets and rooftops in powdery white. On occasion a human palm-sized, man made-looking snowflake would rotate in the air and gleam before blowing away. So it must have been midsummer in The City. There was an alpine (Whistler B.C.) quaintness about it, which obviously doesn't exist in real life. Eventually it left surfaces appearing freshly wet as if having just been rained upon.


Just as we were leaving the outdoor gathering, we were all notified to check for the latest i-gizmo. Mine was black and shaped like a fetal "grand" piano.

Then at one point my husband and I are suddenly dining at a pet friendly Italian restaurant, so we brought our big, fluffy cats in. We sat our cats in the chairs directly across from ours at the same four top, like we were on a double date. Weird. In real life, we have a dog, no cats. I also recall being really annoyed because it took them about an hour just to bring us a glass of water with no ice.

My folks were also in the dream. They were traveling/passing through town. My mom was sick and I was saying goodbye to both of them. I vaguely recall introducing my friends Margo and Kelly to my dad while still in makeup.

Interpretations:
Snowflake: Represents purity and perfection.

Snow: To dream of snow in all its forms, on trees, storms, etc. is a dream of very good omen which shows you will have success in business or investments. Such dreams also symbolize the need to confront repressed emotions. Snow may also signify inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release/express these emotions and inhibitions. The dreamer may be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected. If the snow is melting, then it suggests you are acknowledging and releasing emotions you have repressed. You are overcoming your fears and obstacles. To dream you are watching the snow fall represents a clean start and a fresh new perspective. It is indicative of spiritual peace and tranquility. To dream you are playing in the snow indicates you need to set some time for fun and relaxation. To dream you find something in the snow suggests you are exploring and accessing your unused potential, abilities and talents. It may also indicate forgiving yourself or others.

Friends: Signify aspects of your own personality that have been developing, making you grow as a person. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Dreaming of friends sometimes foretells you will hear happy news from them. *(Kelly let me know today she had her first period conversation with her fifth grade daughter this morning. Margo previously let me know she's expecting.)

Costumed: If you are wearing a costume this could indicate you are trying to hide your true self, or your inner feelings, behind a facade or duplicity; you may not be wholly honest with a loved one and have a fear of being found out. If you are wearing a ridiculous costume, this could indicate you are being foolish about certain matters in your life and must look to the other symbols to find out just what it is.

Transsexual: To dream you are transsexual symbolizes your anxieties or ambivalence about masculine/feminine roles or passive/aggressive behavior. You may be reluctant in dealing with these issues. The masculine and feminine aspects of your Self have been damaged; you may be unwilling to confront your shadow self.

Cats: A feminine power symbol. Attributes are by image portrayed.

Husband: To see your husband in your dream signifies the waking relationship with your husband and the unconscious feelings you have towards him. The dream may be trying to focus on hidden elements that you are not addressing in your waking life.

City: To see a city in your dream signifies a sense of community and your social environment. If you dream of a big city, it suggests you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone. A spiritual community to which we belong can be represented in dreams by a city. A bustling city may show our need for social interaction.

Night: Signifies obstacles in achieving goals. Put issues aside to clear your head and come back to them later. Alternately, night can be synonymous with, or symbolize the intense darkness that occurs before, rebirth, reflection and new beginnings. It can also signify death or drastic change. More positively, it is a period that allows us to create a new beginning with the dawning of the new day; the fallow period before fresh growth.

Party: Dreaming of attending a party of any kind for pleasure, life has much good.

Parents: Father is usually the symbol of authority; also represent power or strength or discipline. Mother is usually a dream that foretells a happy conclusion concerning a love interest as a mother represents love, protection and nourishment of the body or the spirit.

Illness: Suggests you may be hanging onto an old idea or relationship that is not good for you. To dream that you or others are sick denotes discordance and trouble in your life. It may also signal a part of yourself that needs to be healed, either physically or mentally. Perhaps you are wallowing in your own self-pity. You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Halloween: Signifies death and the underworld; also represents the temporary adoption of a new persona where you feel less inhibited and more comfortable to freely express yourself.

Update on Mom Sept. 22

Hello, All,

Hope this message finds you well.

My mom and Al returned to Coeur d’Alene Sept. 8. Since returning it seems mom has been struggling with nausea and hasn’t been in as close contact. I’m concerned about her nutritional intake as well that she may, understandably, also be struggling with depression. Mom says she feels best in the mornings, so her doctor has advised her to eat well and exercise during that time or anytime she’s feeling OK. The first part of the day is the most opportune time to connect with her.

Our next oncology appointment is October 7 at SCCA. I anticipate being able to let you know whether the cancer is shrinking as a result of the treatment regimen she’s on. In the meantime, thank you once again for your healing thoughts and prayers.

All the best,

Brad

9/11 Dream ...

My husband and I made our annual pilgrimage yesterday to Winterbrook, our dear friend's family's summer home on Orcas Island. We are usually hosted in the newer guest house in a room with a very comfy bed and an incredible, panoramic view of Puget Sound.

My husband and I have been working nonstop the last couple weeks with very little if any significant down time. Last night, the guest bed we slept in at Winterbrook did not disappoint. It was like being in a cloud, and it has been a long time since I had such a really restful night of sleep.

With my sound sleep came vivid dreams. I was in Virginia at a representation of my first best friend's home in Salisbury. My birthday celebration was being held there. Many smiling faces. I recall odd details such as white, antique kitchen appliances and very peculiar ice cubes. The ice cubes were remarkable. They were ornate and shaped like various objects. Some were birthday cakes with candles. Others were Chinese figures that looked like oversize chess pieces. They varied in color. Some were frosted white and sparkled like gems. Others had a dark gray tone to them, mostly the figures, and they too sparkled.

There was more to the dream, what I related was that which really stuck out at me. Of course I consulted my dream dictionary for insights ...

Birthday: To dream about your birthday denotes acceptance of yourself. You are celebrating who you are and coming to terms with who you are as a person. Any celebration is a time for a release of or change in energy, and a birthday gives an opportunity to look back and take stock, from a spiritual perspective, either of the year just past or the decade. Dreaming of a birthday signifies that we have the right to celebrate - either an anniversary or a new phase in life. There may be a sense of anticipation about something which lifts us away from the ordinary. We may have a gift or talent which is now usable.

Ice Cube: To make or see ice cubes in your dream symbolizes your frigid emotions. Alternately it suggests that you may need to cool off. You are letting your temper get out of hand.

Happy: To dream that you are happy may be a means of self help and often indicates that you need some cheering up. You may be trying to compensate for sadness or stress in your waking life.

I think there is truth to much of the above in my waking life. There's such a duality with life. On the one hand things are going well for me for the most part. Yet I am dealing with some significant challenges. Such is life. I believe it's important to strike a healthy imbalance between that which ails us and that which heals us with greater weight/priority given to the latter. I am happy to be at Winterbrook, even if for a brief while ...

Looking back on this day a year ago, I had written a post about my memory of the Sept. 11 domestic attacks. Here's a link to this post: http://postmodernurbanhuman.blogspot.com/2013/09/911-this-day-in-history.html