The Elusive Intersection of Time & Inspiration

I seem to do my best brain storming behind the wheel of a fast moving automobile. Like this past Wednesday when I got clocked going 49 in a 35 on First Avenue. Oops. My gift from the (hunky) officer (aside from general eye candy)? He cited me with the lowest possible infraction, driving inattention, which comes with a minimal fine and no reporting on my record.

Officer Henry (that even sounds hunky) said he was pleased I didn't greet him with a bunch of excuses and he appreciated my attitude. I was pleased with his physique and appreciated how the rolled up sleeves on his fitted police uniform gave him somewhat of a burly lumberjack appearance and left little to the imagination. This is where I almost day dreamed he was one of those novelty strippers until I quickly realized I was actually being issued a traffic citation.

In all seriousness it pays to be kind. WTF else was I going to do? I actually was in a daydream haze just prior to finally noticing the flashing blue and red motorcycle lights in my rear view. I didn't know how fast I was driving. Heck, for a spell there I wasn't even conscious I was driving. I'm going to consider today's citation the universe issuing me a warning for my recent lack of mindfulness.

Started a writing project a few weeks ago. Well, project makes it sound a little lofty. Let's call it a little writing excursion. A flashback to memory lane, if you will. As I settle into middle age, I've noticed a couple things. The first is I often get stuck on recalling the most common of vocabulary. The second is I've been oh so nostalgic. Is this a fortysomething right of passage? My excursion is somewhat of a coming of age story, based on real life experiences being transplanted to the middle of the country in the middle of high school. At the time I seriously thought my life had ended.

In reality, over the past few years, I've suffered a mysterious illness. At times also serious. Serious to the point of thinking and feeling in actuality my days were numbered. Perhaps they are. I mean no one really knows when their number is going to be called.

Today, for example, my husband and I ventured into Downtown Seattle to partake in the LGBT Pride parade festivities. I had been feeling a little winded all morning. This can occur for various reasons. Sometimes due to stress and anxiety while other times due to physical conditions such as lack of sleep or being a bit dehydrated. In today's case I chalk it up to the latter.

So we were standing on a high balcony overlooking the parade and thousands of parade-goers. Both of us were in a mood. I had been in a good mood, mostly, until we got in the car. My husband is blue. His closest friend just left after having visited this past week. He said he really feels like himself when she's around, and he considers her his one and only true friend. His eyes welled with tears. It is so important for us to have great friendships.

Incidentally we were on our way to meet up with some friends who ended up no showing. That was a bit of a bummer. Looking around the sea of people, I recognized only one or two people here and there. Despite having so many people around, including my beloved hubby, I cannot help having a feeling of isolation. Is sadness transmittable in the way a cold or flu is?

Why am I feeling sad? Today of all days is a momentous occasion. Since the summer of love this is the first ever Pride celebration which marks the official legal precedent for LGBT equality in America. Historic. Epic. Why then would I have any reason to be mopey?

At one point I felt my breathing further constrict. So I attempted applying what I learned in biofeedback. Slowing by breath down. Five counts for inhale, five counts for exhale. Easier said than done when one's lungs or diaphragm aren't allowing full breaths. I made the mistake of helping an exhale along by further forcing my diaphragm to squeeze out a breath. Suddenly I found myself unable to draw a breath for a couple moments. An immediate wave of being light headed to the point where I felt as though I might faint. I called it out to my husband and told him I needed to sit for a minute. So we ventured inside the Westlake Center and took a seat at an open table. It wasn't long before he decided it was time for us to just head back home.

My illness has completely transformed my way of being. Almost everything is more of a challenge at times. In consideration of being in a crowded urban area for a day of festivities, my first thought is always "will I have the energy for this?" If I get hungry, where and what will I eat? Alcohol is out of the question. I've not been able to drink it or caffeine for about two and a half years.

All of the friends I used to spend time with regularly, our encounters by in large revolved around food and drink. In that regard I know I've been no fun to be around. I loathe feeling like I have to be specially catered to in any way. Therefore my default has just been to lay low and stay at home. The last thing I would ever want to do is rain on someone else's parade. For crying out loud I used to be the life of the party!

When I do have the time, inspiration and wherewithal to venture out, it's kind of a big deal for me. That even seems strange to me to admit such a thing. It's the truth. So to not only want to be with my so-called friends and commit the time and energy toward being with them only to have them end up not matching my effort ... I have to admit this injures my feelings quite deeply. On a spiritual level I do understand my vibrational energy isn't a match, and there's no ego in that. It's just a tough paradigm to adjust to at times.

In my thirties I had the zeitgeist with me. I was on top of all the chic new spots that opened in town. Had my fingers around the pulse of my community. Heck, to some degree I helped give my community a pulse.

It must be me, and not just my illness. I don't have any strong relations within the family I grew up knowing. Some of them I don't necessarily care to know.

I cannot help but feel lost at times, lost and isolated. Surely others have had this experience. I suppose the good news is I know better exists for me and my life. By better, I simply mean a warm, uplifting sense of connection. My spirit so craves this.

Just spaced out for a moment and two things came to mind:
1. My bestie recently had my beautiful God daughter. Perhaps part of my disconnect stems from the sudden shift in our ties. She has her fiancé and baby to focus on now. While I know we are still vital to one another, things have changed, for better or worse. How could they not have? Even so, I am very happy for her. Truly.

2. I've not been focusing inward as much lately. Days I either started with yoga or meditation, I felt wonderful and totally dialed in. I think at the very least some before bed meditation is in order.

Getting back into the groove with my coach is in the cards, too. Our next phase is to get me clear on my big why. Why do I get out of bed each day? What is my life's purpose? Those are anything but meager questions to answer. What do you believe is your life's purpose?

Marriage Equality Prevails

Last night was nearly like any other. My husband, his closest friend and I attended our town's local comedy night. We picked up some Mexican food after the show and had it for dinner al fresco on our back deck.

At some point during the course of the evening we broached the impending SCOTUS ruling on marriage equality. In fact, one of the comedians, an out gay man, broached the topic as part of his act. I know it's stating the obvious, this is a monumental social issue for the present day.

We knew a ruling to be imminent. I had not imagined when I laid myself to sleep last night it was to be the eve of the most historic social event in modern American history. I awoke today around 7:21 a.m. Pacific Time and immediately thought to check Google news on my iPhone. Sure enough, a news post had been made 13 minutes prior declaring SCOTUS' ruling in favor of national marriage equality. I immediately posted the article on my Facebook page, simply announcing: Marriage Equality Prevails

I awoke my sound asleep husband with this news. I gently climbed on top of him for an embrace with he and our little dog Millie. Shortly thereafter we both got out of bed. He started shuffling around the house singing, in his best Southern drawl, "I'm proud to be an American." How I would have loved to have spent the morning with him in celebration. Instead I had to rush off to a 9:00 a.m. client appointment.

I've been mostly out and about today. While I'm sensing mostly a joyous spirit via social media, I'm still processing what this enormous milestone means for me.

First, I realize while the SCOTUS ruling on marriage equality is a huge, positive step in the right direction, we still have much work to do. If we reflect on the past century to learn from other disenfranchised groups' struggles with equality, we know we still have a long road ahead. Just because women earned the right to vote and later replaced men in the workforce as part of the war effort, women didn't just suddenly elevate to equal status. Women still struggle for equality. Just because the country mandated racial integration, the population as a whole didn't just suddenly embrace our African American brothers and sisters. To this day the black community still struggles for equality.

As I posted earlier today on Facebook: Perhaps today's historic step forward for human equality will begin to move us together beyond our social issues as a people. We are all unique as individuals. Even so, you'll find below the surface we are all much more connected by our similarities than divided by our differences.

I often wonder when the masses will awaken to realize the social issues have been diverting our attention from government corruption. Public officials by in large are accountable to corporate interests over the people's. Our voices have been muffled. Taxation without representation led our forefathers to establish freedoms which are being systematically dismantled. All is not lost, yet, while we have an opportunity to create positive changes in each other's lives. If someone seeks tolerance, may they exhibit tolerance.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate;
only love can do that ..."
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

In SCOTUS' marriage ruling, Justice Kennedy embraced a vision of a living Constitution, one that evolves with societal changes. He wrote today:

 

“The nature of injustice is that we may not always see it in our own times. The generations that wrote and ratified the Bill of Rights and the Fourteenth Amendment did not presume to know the extent of freedom in all of its dimensions, and so they entrusted to future generations a charter protecting the right of all persons to enjoy liberty as we learn its meaning.”

 

A most powerful and wise interpretation of what is meant by equal protection under the law. People are people for goodness sake.

Kennedy continues:

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage
embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right."

"The Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach, a liberty that includes certain specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity. The petitioners in these cases seek to find that liberty by marrying someone of the same sex and having their marriages deemed lawful on the same terms and conditions as marriages between persons of the opposite sex."

One of my long time friends is quite anti-conservative. I'm sure like many others who have been targets of right-wing divisiveness, people are reveling in this monumental victory. He posted: LOL! It's been a tough week for conservatives. To which I replied: You mean the new minority? Remember our struggles to be accepted as we are. Then let us not be hasty to condemn and instead offer our forgiveness and compassion.

I would be inauthentic to conceal a small part of me wants to hold up a big middle finger to those who oppose equality, to those who oppose my love, my family, my right to exist as I am with equal protection under the law. Live and let live. Why is this simple, common sense way of being so unfathomably challenging for some of my fellow humans?!

To those who condemn marriage equality, try on God loving us all just as we are. Try on we are all perfect (despite our many flaws) and created equal. OK, at the very least, please try on great fences make great neighbors. I vow to keep my bedroom door closed if you vow to keep your nose out of my doorjam.

I am certain there will be backlash. Only time will tell to what extent. I read a post the State of Mississippi intends to cease issuance of all marriage licenses. In other words, if we can't have things our way, we'll have it no way at all. How entirely juvenile. I read a post the Texas governor will stop issuance of same sex marriage licenses, declaring the First Amendment protects religious freedom. That has to be one of the most unintelligent "rationales" I've ever heard. In fact, it completely negates Justice Thomas' dissenting opinion: "The corollary of that principle is that human dignity cannot be taken away by the government. Slaves did not lose their dignity (any more than they lost their humanity) because the government allowed them to be enslaved. Those held in internment camps did not lose their dignity because the government confined them. And those denied governmental benefits certainly do not lose their dignity because the government denies them those benefits. The government cannot bestow dignity, and it cannot take it away."

By Thomas' rationale, how is the SCOTUS' ruling on marriage equality the government taking away an individual's right to practice religion in the way an individual chooses? The government is certainly not requiring religious organizations to recognize or for that matter perform same gender weddings.

It doesn't take a scholar to make the distinction between state marriage and marriage as observed by religious organizations. So here it goes. State marriage is a bundle of rights. Period. A religious marriage is the spiritual joining of two people's lives in accordance with the values and practices of that couple's faith. One does not negate the other. Both state sanctioned marriages and religious marriages have peacefully coexisted for decades, and they can continue to. For those who still insist on going out of their way to force their spiritual beliefs upon others or me, are you not violating my First Amendment right to religious freedom and for the love of God would you please just forever hold your peace? Thank you.

Hubby, bestie & I exchanging vows on the eleventh day of the twelfth month of the thirteenth year in the Producer's Club at the Fifth Avenue Theatre in Downtown Seattle (where hubby & I had been first introduced nine years prior to the day). The three of us agree this day was one of the happiest of our lives.

Lastly, had to throw in this next image (a flag to offend all):


GOD HATES FLAGS!

#LoveWins