After a couple weeks of unrest, I am finally sleeping well again. About a half hour ago I awoke from a vivid dream, another where I saw my dearly departed Grandma.
The dream began in some very strange city with narrow streets lined with concrete walls about three to four feet in height. It could have been in Europe, no offense intended. I was attempting to maneuver my SUV into one of the last remaining parallel parking spaces anywhere in the vicinity of my destination. My purpose there was to browse a consignment shop for furnishings as I was moving into an apartment. Despite moving into a roommate situation, the place was going to be sparse as the person moving out was taking several key pieces with them. My friend Brent made a cameo in this part of my dream.
The consignment shop had many antique pieces dating back to the 1950's and 1960's. They had other eras of furniture represented, but I was favoring the more "retro" mid century modern style furnishings. There was this brilliant wooden console, out of which popped up a vintage stereo. The console was tall and narrow with really cool wood, honey maple with an accent of light blue-green. I don't know how to describe it in words, other than in my dream it was a very unique and fabulous piece.
There was a dark turquoise-ish sofa and then this great light ruby armchair. Someone had already bought the console. I ended up buying the chair, and vaguely recall putting it in the back of my SUV.
The next part of my dream involved a memorial service for my dearly departed Grandma. My business associate Kerri had attended to pay her respects. I arrived late, I don't know what delayed me. Upon my arrival, Senator Ed Murray was just completing a eulogy of sorts. There were men in black suits, and a few members of my mom's family. I saw my aunt and three cousins. One of my cousins hugged me, I nudged by one and walked past the other.
My mom was there grief stricken, but then she wasn't there. I don't recall if it was because I continued on my way, following the procession of pallbearers. This would be quite odd for a memorial service. Still, the procession proceeded ahead of me from an outdoor, grassy area surrounded by evergreens into an enclosed area of hallways, which led to another outdoor area.
Upon entering the hallway I saw my Grandma running in my direction wearing a beautiful fuchsia-colored robe with satin collar, cuffs and hem. She looked like she did in the '80s, with large, set hairdo and her signature round eyeglasses. Her eyes were particularly blue. She had a very determined look on her face, and appeared to not be aware of my presence as she dashed by me. I felt some degree of tension for being able to see her and being unable to truly see her.
I continued through the hallways until I reached the burial site. The men-in-black pallbearers had disbursed. Ed was sitting on the lawn resting on his right elbow adjacent the site. I had been crying, and really just wanted a moment alone, yet held silent for wanting to be polite. Ed remarked about my Grandma being a wonderful lady. In reality he doesn't know anything about her. He and I only barely know one another through my involvement with the Seattle Monorail Project, the GSBA and via a mutual friend.
Sensing my desire to have a moment, Ed gets up and makes mention the ferry will be leaving shortly. I would need to be on my way soon if I intended to catch it. I told him I wasn't taking the ferry. He asked me where I lived and I told him Normandy Park. I asked if he lives in West Seattle and he affirmed, then was on his way.
Of course I consulted with my Dream Book:
Fuchsia: The color fuchsia represents your connection with your spirituality and meditation. You are letting go of old attitudes and ready for change. This color is also associated with emotional stability.
Hallway: Often represents spiritual growth and learning. They can also mean the dreamer has untapped psychic abilities. A dream of walking through a long hallway or corridor can also represent your frustration in trying to escape a repetitive situation.
Furniture: Represents how you feel about yourself and your family. It refers to your relationships with others and how they fit into your life. To dream that you are moving furniture indicates you are going out of your way to please others. Also, you may be changing your ways and trying to reevaluate your relationships/attitudes. To see old or worn furniture in your dream symbolizes outdated attitudes, former relationships and/or old ways of thinking.
Grandmother: To see your grandmother in your dream, represents nurturance, protection and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother.
That's all I have time to notate for now as I prepare to embark on a day-long mindfulness retreat.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Reality & Creation
This morning I find my "This Day in History" widget oddly synchronistic. It's entitled Creation of the World, According to Archbishop James Ussher (4004 BCE). Just last night I was listening to a couple of internet radio broadcasts, one about human origins and another about our reality construct. Yeah, I know, kind of monumental topics for humankind.
In one of the segments, the guest expert spoke of the origins of humankind. He cited biblical references that were originally written in Hebrew. Foremost, El is the word for God. This I find fascinating as I've just started a Spanish conversational class, and El is also the article for every masculine word in that language.
Even more fascinating is that the English translation of Genesis in the Bible states "In the beginning God created heaven and earth." In the Hebrew version, which long predates English, the word elohiym, commonly translated as "God" in most modern translations, is a masculine plural word meaning "powers." They also used this when it is written "Let us make man with our image and likeness." The use of personal pronouns us and our is undeniably indicative of more than one.
So what, things get lost in translation all the time. This wouldn't have any global religious or political implications now would it? Nah ...
I'm not necessarily here to dive into religion. I've always been much more of a spiritual person, one who practices tuning into the higher self, vs. religious, one who makes one's self subservient to another's narrow view of spirituality. I only recently became quite clear on that distinction, and I thank my parents for having not immersed me in religion while I was growing up. They always allowed this one particular genre to be my choice, and my choice alone. Now that's poetic justice. Many other people I know in my life have had great struggles freeing themselves from religion's suppressive nature enough to think for themselves.
So this is a really great segway into reality. What is reality? What is real?
According to Mirriam-Websters, it is "the quality or state of being real." OK, that seems just a bit vague. What does "being real" truly mean?
Wikipedia appears to have a much more comprehensive definition: "Reality is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined. In a wider definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible." OK, that's better.
Well, we know we are real. We think, therefore we are. Thanks, Rene Descartes. In mindfulness practice, there is much emphasis on following one's breath. Such is also the case for the basis of meditation practice. Breathing is a vital source of aliveness within the body. Following the ebbs and flows of one's breath is a very real experience. It's the first step toward being able to look more inward, toward being able to see things as they truly are.
Much of the time we are subjected to the chaos that is our modern world. Everyday we're beamed with electromagnetic radiation, breathe polluted air, drink polluted water and eat foods that have been modified in some way shape or form. Now that's what exists on the physical level. We also fight traffic getting from point A to point B, get into conflicts with fellow humans, our minds absorb hundreds if not thousands of advertised messages daily (positive, negative or neutral) and we're constantly bombarded with the chaos outside our doors through mass (and now also social) media, whether we even step foot outside our doors. We tend not to think about this reality on a daily basis. This is real. This is what it so. I cannot imagine this doesn't adversely affect people and their states of being.
When everyone was a fuss over the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012, and I must also admit I had my own uncertainties via media influence, I've also come to realize we may just in fact be entering a new phase of reality. Try on that our collective human consciousness is waking up, and we are embarking on the next stage of our evolutionary journey.
I'm going to wrap up today by sharing an infamous quote I find highly inspiring:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
What you chose to do with this is now up to you ...
In one of the segments, the guest expert spoke of the origins of humankind. He cited biblical references that were originally written in Hebrew. Foremost, El is the word for God. This I find fascinating as I've just started a Spanish conversational class, and El is also the article for every masculine word in that language.
Even more fascinating is that the English translation of Genesis in the Bible states "In the beginning God created heaven and earth." In the Hebrew version, which long predates English, the word elohiym, commonly translated as "God" in most modern translations, is a masculine plural word meaning "powers." They also used this when it is written "Let us make man with our image and likeness." The use of personal pronouns us and our is undeniably indicative of more than one.
So what, things get lost in translation all the time. This wouldn't have any global religious or political implications now would it? Nah ...
I'm not necessarily here to dive into religion. I've always been much more of a spiritual person, one who practices tuning into the higher self, vs. religious, one who makes one's self subservient to another's narrow view of spirituality. I only recently became quite clear on that distinction, and I thank my parents for having not immersed me in religion while I was growing up. They always allowed this one particular genre to be my choice, and my choice alone. Now that's poetic justice. Many other people I know in my life have had great struggles freeing themselves from religion's suppressive nature enough to think for themselves.
So this is a really great segway into reality. What is reality? What is real?
According to Mirriam-Websters, it is "the quality or state of being real." OK, that seems just a bit vague. What does "being real" truly mean?
Wikipedia appears to have a much more comprehensive definition: "Reality is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined. In a wider definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible." OK, that's better.
Well, we know we are real. We think, therefore we are. Thanks, Rene Descartes. In mindfulness practice, there is much emphasis on following one's breath. Such is also the case for the basis of meditation practice. Breathing is a vital source of aliveness within the body. Following the ebbs and flows of one's breath is a very real experience. It's the first step toward being able to look more inward, toward being able to see things as they truly are.
Much of the time we are subjected to the chaos that is our modern world. Everyday we're beamed with electromagnetic radiation, breathe polluted air, drink polluted water and eat foods that have been modified in some way shape or form. Now that's what exists on the physical level. We also fight traffic getting from point A to point B, get into conflicts with fellow humans, our minds absorb hundreds if not thousands of advertised messages daily (positive, negative or neutral) and we're constantly bombarded with the chaos outside our doors through mass (and now also social) media, whether we even step foot outside our doors. We tend not to think about this reality on a daily basis. This is real. This is what it so. I cannot imagine this doesn't adversely affect people and their states of being.
When everyone was a fuss over the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012, and I must also admit I had my own uncertainties via media influence, I've also come to realize we may just in fact be entering a new phase of reality. Try on that our collective human consciousness is waking up, and we are embarking on the next stage of our evolutionary journey.
I'm going to wrap up today by sharing an infamous quote I find highly inspiring:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
What you chose to do with this is now up to you ...
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Living Without Preference
Recently a couple of my close friends confided they've not been happy. One of them thinks they might have edged into depression. I've certainly had my ups and downs on the roller coaster of autoimmune disorder.
Of course as a compassionate friend my first instinct is to want my friends to be happy. So I'm naturally inclined to want to help them find the silver lining, sugar coat it and then beam a ray of sunshine on it. That would be the Planet Unicorn brand of uber gay.
My acupuncturist treated me yesterday for what he labeled as Running Piglet Syndrome. By Western definition my body had an over abundance of thyroid hormone. Apparently this caused my rapid heart rate, palpitations and trouble catching my breath over the weekend.
While on his table we discussed moods and feelings, among many other things. Basically there's a "therapy" component to his treatment. He treats his reaction to how I occur for him based on my thoughts and feelings about my current state of being. I know, that sounds like the Southern California brand of flaky and weird. So what, it works.
After I related the sadness I experienced over the weekend, he says, "Maybe it's about living life without preference."
What did he mean by that exactly? I'll tell you. Most of us enjoy being happy, feeling well and having a sense of contentment with ourselves and our lives. It would then stand to reason most of us prefer to be happy, prefer to feel well and prefer to have a sense of contentment. These states of being are fleeting. All states of being are. We cannot know the light without the dark.
Living without preference, I believe, means accepting where you are in the moment exactly as it is. Being present. Finding contentment in whatever state of being happens upon one's self.
As I reflected on my sadness from a couple nights ago, I found comfort and contentment in those moments. I put on some beautiful chill, moody (but not dark) jazz. Brought the lights in the house down to a warm glow. Practiced a mindfulness based meditation. Ate some delicious homemade chicken noodle soup. Spent some cozy time on the sofa with one of the cutest little dogs in the whole world. Opened myself up to make some expressions in writing. The one thing I did not do was resist my emotional and physical states of being. All in all, despite not being where I originally wanted to be, I ended up in a wonderful place.
My chiropractic practitioner, who is also a good friend, says, "Health doesn't just happen to people. You have to work at it." Indeed.
After giving it some thought, I felt it more worthwhile to impart this information about preference with my friends who complained of not being happy. I'm not sure whether they found this useful, or if they even understand it. I just feel grateful for having discovered this distinction so I can be more mindful about putting this into practice for my life as I have already enjoyed the benefits of this mindset.
Of course as a compassionate friend my first instinct is to want my friends to be happy. So I'm naturally inclined to want to help them find the silver lining, sugar coat it and then beam a ray of sunshine on it. That would be the Planet Unicorn brand of uber gay.
My acupuncturist treated me yesterday for what he labeled as Running Piglet Syndrome. By Western definition my body had an over abundance of thyroid hormone. Apparently this caused my rapid heart rate, palpitations and trouble catching my breath over the weekend.
While on his table we discussed moods and feelings, among many other things. Basically there's a "therapy" component to his treatment. He treats his reaction to how I occur for him based on my thoughts and feelings about my current state of being. I know, that sounds like the Southern California brand of flaky and weird. So what, it works.
After I related the sadness I experienced over the weekend, he says, "Maybe it's about living life without preference."
What did he mean by that exactly? I'll tell you. Most of us enjoy being happy, feeling well and having a sense of contentment with ourselves and our lives. It would then stand to reason most of us prefer to be happy, prefer to feel well and prefer to have a sense of contentment. These states of being are fleeting. All states of being are. We cannot know the light without the dark.
Living without preference, I believe, means accepting where you are in the moment exactly as it is. Being present. Finding contentment in whatever state of being happens upon one's self.
As I reflected on my sadness from a couple nights ago, I found comfort and contentment in those moments. I put on some beautiful chill, moody (but not dark) jazz. Brought the lights in the house down to a warm glow. Practiced a mindfulness based meditation. Ate some delicious homemade chicken noodle soup. Spent some cozy time on the sofa with one of the cutest little dogs in the whole world. Opened myself up to make some expressions in writing. The one thing I did not do was resist my emotional and physical states of being. All in all, despite not being where I originally wanted to be, I ended up in a wonderful place.
My chiropractic practitioner, who is also a good friend, says, "Health doesn't just happen to people. You have to work at it." Indeed.
After giving it some thought, I felt it more worthwhile to impart this information about preference with my friends who complained of not being happy. I'm not sure whether they found this useful, or if they even understand it. I just feel grateful for having discovered this distinction so I can be more mindful about putting this into practice for my life as I have already enjoyed the benefits of this mindset.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Alienation: The side effect of chronic illness
I've been living with an autoimmune disorder since the end of 2012. I'm not even sure which one exactly. I've only recently learned there are nearly 100 types of this disorder, and many other variations of it have yet to be defined. About one in five of us are living with this type of disease. Someone you know may have it, and you may not even be aware.
Before this disease showed up in my life, I was very active and highly social. While I've gradually become much more stable in my daily life, most days tending to healing, work and home is about all I have bandwidth for. When I break it down it sounds like I lead such a simple life. I wish, most of us wish (even if on a subconscious level).
Take today for example. My fiance and I had just finished breakfast. For once in a long time we actually had a whole weekend day with nothing on the calendar to tend to. I stood up from the breakfast table and suddenly I didn't feel so well. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, it was just a general sense that my respiratory and cardiovascular functions were out of alignment. I could feel my heart thump away in my chest and it felt as though I had to focus a little to catch my breath.
I laid down, and the sensation of my pounding heart intensified. I stayed calm, a challenge when one's body feels as though it may just fatally fail. After several hours of laying in bed, some of the time sleeping, some of the time meditating and some of the time just silently freaking out, things calmed down. My resting heart rate fell from 124 beats per minute to between 80-88. I felt kinda blah the rest of the day, and regarded the event as my body's unique way of letting me know it needed me to lay low this weekend.
My fiance and I were supposed to attend a couple of birthday celebrations tonight. I was looking forward to both of them. I was looking forward to seeing my friends. More and more I see less and less of my friends.
I honestly don't know what's worse, the seeming impasse I'm having with the healing process, which is anything but expeditious or linear, or falling out of bounds with my sphere.
It's hard to explain my body's limitations to people, and quite honestly I can't think of a less inspiring subject to regale people with. Whether I'm able to be social comes down to a couple of things for me. 1) Does it involve food I may have an adverse reaction to? 2) Do I have the wherewithall? Sometimes just standing and mingling takes extra effort, then add being authentic, engaged and interesting into the equation. I know, it's ridiculous to even read that I just wrote that.
There was a time I didn't want to really talk about this disease, partially because I may have been in denial about living with chronic illness, partly because it's such an uninspiring topic, but mostly due to the shortness of breath I had been experiencing. I could barely hold even the briefest of conversations on some days without becoming very fatigued.
I've been very quiet and contemplative today. This evening my fiance and I had a great heart-to-heart. I confessed how much I miss my friends and my sadness around this. I discovered the longer I chart this course, the more I relinquish hope of a full recovery. I acknowledged my fiance's suffering. He would love for us to travel, to visit our lovely seaside village in Mexico. We've not really left home for many, many months. My disease has made him a prisoner. Those are my words, not his.
Through his and my exchange, I gained clarity on what is going well. We are going well. He is an amazing support to me. He is the one who checks in with me regularly, gives me a wonderful sense of feeling cared for and loved despite no longer being the "life of the party." Our home is an amazing sanctuary. I love our home and what we've created it in. I love where we live. The peace and tranquility surrounding our home environment is beautifully idyllic. We have the cutest, sweetest most loving little Daschund. We have a loving and supportive family, well he does mostly. I have my mom, who I deeply care for and love.
There are so many questions yet to be answered. I wonder whether I'll truly ever recover my wellness. I wonder whether I'll be full of vitality daily and rekindle that unbridled enthusiasm for life. I wonder whether I'll ever have that comforting, familiar sense of normalcy around my life again.
I was sad today because I read an article written by a woman with autoimmune disease. It wasn't the article. It was relating to her sense of having become an imposter. I can deal with the disease. I've been dealing with it for about a year. It's the realization I've lost a part of my identity that's much more of a challenge to face. I can physically feel how much more serious I've become. Whereas I used to come at life so playfully.
My hope is, whether I fully recover my health, I can fully recover my self ...
Before this disease showed up in my life, I was very active and highly social. While I've gradually become much more stable in my daily life, most days tending to healing, work and home is about all I have bandwidth for. When I break it down it sounds like I lead such a simple life. I wish, most of us wish (even if on a subconscious level).
Take today for example. My fiance and I had just finished breakfast. For once in a long time we actually had a whole weekend day with nothing on the calendar to tend to. I stood up from the breakfast table and suddenly I didn't feel so well. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, it was just a general sense that my respiratory and cardiovascular functions were out of alignment. I could feel my heart thump away in my chest and it felt as though I had to focus a little to catch my breath.
I laid down, and the sensation of my pounding heart intensified. I stayed calm, a challenge when one's body feels as though it may just fatally fail. After several hours of laying in bed, some of the time sleeping, some of the time meditating and some of the time just silently freaking out, things calmed down. My resting heart rate fell from 124 beats per minute to between 80-88. I felt kinda blah the rest of the day, and regarded the event as my body's unique way of letting me know it needed me to lay low this weekend.
My fiance and I were supposed to attend a couple of birthday celebrations tonight. I was looking forward to both of them. I was looking forward to seeing my friends. More and more I see less and less of my friends.
I honestly don't know what's worse, the seeming impasse I'm having with the healing process, which is anything but expeditious or linear, or falling out of bounds with my sphere.
It's hard to explain my body's limitations to people, and quite honestly I can't think of a less inspiring subject to regale people with. Whether I'm able to be social comes down to a couple of things for me. 1) Does it involve food I may have an adverse reaction to? 2) Do I have the wherewithall? Sometimes just standing and mingling takes extra effort, then add being authentic, engaged and interesting into the equation. I know, it's ridiculous to even read that I just wrote that.
There was a time I didn't want to really talk about this disease, partially because I may have been in denial about living with chronic illness, partly because it's such an uninspiring topic, but mostly due to the shortness of breath I had been experiencing. I could barely hold even the briefest of conversations on some days without becoming very fatigued.
I've been very quiet and contemplative today. This evening my fiance and I had a great heart-to-heart. I confessed how much I miss my friends and my sadness around this. I discovered the longer I chart this course, the more I relinquish hope of a full recovery. I acknowledged my fiance's suffering. He would love for us to travel, to visit our lovely seaside village in Mexico. We've not really left home for many, many months. My disease has made him a prisoner. Those are my words, not his.
Through his and my exchange, I gained clarity on what is going well. We are going well. He is an amazing support to me. He is the one who checks in with me regularly, gives me a wonderful sense of feeling cared for and loved despite no longer being the "life of the party." Our home is an amazing sanctuary. I love our home and what we've created it in. I love where we live. The peace and tranquility surrounding our home environment is beautifully idyllic. We have the cutest, sweetest most loving little Daschund. We have a loving and supportive family, well he does mostly. I have my mom, who I deeply care for and love.
There are so many questions yet to be answered. I wonder whether I'll truly ever recover my wellness. I wonder whether I'll be full of vitality daily and rekindle that unbridled enthusiasm for life. I wonder whether I'll ever have that comforting, familiar sense of normalcy around my life again.
I was sad today because I read an article written by a woman with autoimmune disease. It wasn't the article. It was relating to her sense of having become an imposter. I can deal with the disease. I've been dealing with it for about a year. It's the realization I've lost a part of my identity that's much more of a challenge to face. I can physically feel how much more serious I've become. Whereas I used to come at life so playfully.
My hope is, whether I fully recover my health, I can fully recover my self ...
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