Is it common to be married and also feel totally alone and isolated? I sure hope not for everyone else's sake. My husband has been icing me out for the past few days.
Prior to and during the holidays tension mounted. You see, while I've been so uber diligent about fighting my own health battle, my husband has been working really hard at ignoring his chronic health issues.
My husband and I initially met in 2004 through our local business chamber. His company was our top sponsor and he served on the board while I was on staff. We really didn't get to know one another on a personal level until two years later.
So nearly 10 years ago it quickly became apparent my future husband to be had some health problems; mostly digestive in nature. He suffers from severe reflux at times. It has been so severe the acidity has scarred his esophageal tissue. At times he has difficulty swallowing while eating, especially meats, to the point of choking. Then he has to run to the bathroom and hack up the obstruction. I'd be understating my feelings by mentioning how frightening these episodes are. Once when we were visiting family in D.C., my husband was so overcome by the acidity of a Margerita he became unable to breathe. I stood by his side, paralyzed with fear. Thankfully this episode resolved itself.
Along with my husband's chronic reflux is a chronic cough. He also produces quite a bit of phlegm. Despite knowing dairy does a number on him in the phlegm department as well as irritates his digestive tract, he indulges in it anyway. His favorite dairy "food" is ice cream. There are times he'll consume a large bowl of it not long before bed time. After this, there are times he'll spring out of bed in the middle of the night being unable to breathe. Then the coughing fit starts. At least he's breathing!
Over time his cough has become constant. By constant, I mean everyday. There are plenty of times he awakens in the middle of the night hacking. Sometimes this is due to severe reflux, which forces him to sit up until it settles before he can lay back down and fall back to sleep. And, yes, these fits not only worry me, they jar me from my slumber every time.
Let me be perfectly clear, I am utterly and completely concerned with my husband's quality of life. I know full well as much as any other human we're not going to live forever. Nor would I want to. Even so, it seems to me each of us would want to have the best quality of life we can have during the time we are here in this world.
Between my three years of chronic illness and his ten plus years of chronic symptoms, suffice to say the layers of feelings around these things for both of us have built up to a critical mass.
My husband also battles depression. I think many of us humans do. In our complicated society today, the darkness lurks in plain sight. Health is far from being just about body mechanics. Health also encompasses mind and spirit. In fact I see mind and spirit being an essential source of healing. Like anything, first one has to want to be well. Actually wanting to be well is second to first acknowledging a problem exists.
Here's the thing. Despite his nagging, chronic symptoms, my husband avoids acknowledging there's a problem. This seems completely unreasonable to me. If there's no problem, how could he then even want to be well?
We're just barely out of the holidays into a baby new year. The holidays can be a stressful time. We all have triggers, holidays and family especially tend to make us "trigger happy." Only typically in the reverse of happy. In addition to this, my husband also is dealing with a stressful work situation.
He's been running a small 35 year old retail business for the better part of the past eight years. He loves the work, it's a great creative outlet for him and his many talents. The two owners, who are best friends, have run the business as their hobby with no identifiable, logistical acumen. They're in their seventies and planning an imminent retirement. They've offered my husband the business to continue their namesake as a legacy, and their plans around this keep changing. The uncertainty around this is stirring up his anxiety. While these two surgeons' wives have been playing shop all this time, my husband has a career and earnings to think about. Add to that the owners continue to over spend and mismanage despite my husband's best efforts.
The week leading up to Christmas was especially trying at his work. The two owners weren't speaking to one another. My husband acted as liaison. On top of that it's just a very busy time of year for their stationery business. Holiday cards, event invitations, gifts, etc. Orders and shoppers come pouring in during this time of year. Like most retailers the last quarter of the year is the busiest and helps keep such businesses afloat for the year.
The week leading up to Christmas was also trying in our home. As far as I knew my husband and I were fine. I knew he had a lot going on at work, and sometimes he just internalizes things, which is contrary to mental wellness. I have felt in the past when I push him to talk, he clams up tighter. So I've learned to be more flexible and just allow him to come out of his shell at his own pace.
Then the eve of Christmas Eve it happened. "I am so ready for a break," in an exasperated voice he said. "I just really need to get away."
My husband was quite relieved to have a four day reprieve from work. Who could blame him? I was happy for him. So this is when he was finally able to express himself, though he was stingy with all the details. Those would have to wait for another exchange. As soon as he was off work on December 23, he came down with a terrible cold. He wouldn't even treat it with vitamin c as he was concerned it would aggravate his reflux.
Let me back up a bit. My husband and I had planned a get away to our home in coastal Mexico last spring. When he renegotiated the terms of his re-hire with the shop (he had a short lived six month job change last year), he didn't factor in our spring break trip to Mexico. My practice was really busy at that time so I didn't mind postponing. Then we discussed heading down in late October/early November, a really great time to go. I was really starting to feel crappy as late summer transitioned to fall. So we bumped it out to after Christmas to ring in the new year.
By early December when my Lyme diagnosis was confirmed, when I began my rigorous treatment regimen as well as when I began to feel lousy from the effects of the meds, I withdrew my desire to go on the trip. My husband was very disappointed, understandably.
My husband and I also have very different mindsets. I've been studying Buddhism, which is about the cessation of suffering and delusive thoughts to ultimately reach enlightenment. In a nut shell it's about becoming OK with all that is, good, bad or otherwise. Most everything in our lives is impermanent; career, material goods, our houses, our youth, etc. We all know this to be true. What's also true is when we attach ourselves to those things that are impermanent, when they change, get damaged or vanish it causes us to suffer.
As I've brought this notion into my awareness and practice of being human, I notice these patterns show up, especially with the person I share a life with.
I felt horrible about pulling the plug on our post holiday trip. At the same time, the thought of traveling with a suitcase full of meds and supplements I need to heal, the thought of something going wrong abroad ... seemed like risks I wasn't willing to wager on. In hindsight I'm glad I didn't. Mexico is a sanctuary. I have so many wonderful memories there, and only one poor one; the trip when my bizarre and frightening symptoms first surfaced.
During the holidays and one of many visits with family, my mother-in-law mentioned to me about how badly my husband needs to get away. Yes, I know, and I already feel horrible about it. At the same time, I had been encouraging him to still go. Perhaps take a friend or even go himself and just be. I tried to get him on our good friends' trip to Mexico. They were totally open to it. My husband just wasn't sure if he wanted to risk dealing with their drama. Whole other story of self-induced crises I won't even bother sharing.
I then encouraged my husband to invite his best friend in L.A. down to Mexico. She couldn't get the time off work at her new job and subsequently invited him down to visit her. Long story short, we booked a flight for him to L.A. on December 29 to fly down New Year's Eve. That in of itself was a catastrophe. We fly our hometown carrier Alaska, and their site is crap. We struggled with making the booking and each time we were kicked out and looped around to the beginning of our search. Each occurrence the flight fares changed, typically by increases. By the time we got the ticket booked (I was involved because our banked fares for Mexico were in my profile and we wanted to use them), the ticket went from $270 USD to $550 USD round trip.
The morning before his flight, my husband's bestie ordered him to cancel his ticket as she was down for the count in the bathroom with stuff shooting out of both ends. Her words, not mine. This tension around the trip escalated between my husband and I. He felt like I didn't want him to go, which is untrue. I merely didn't want to be involved with making the arrangements, and grew frustrated with the horrible online experience we had just endured with Alaska. We had an exchange.
It occurred to me during the past year my husband had several claims to achieving happiness, things he needed to have happen. I broached this with him out of concern. That he had told me he needed to have my mom and her partner out of our house (they lived with us for five months between 2014 and 2015). Then he would be happy. He needed to go back to his job at the stationery company, then he would be happy. He needed us to finish our basement remodel, then he would be happy. Lastly, he needed to get away, then he would be happy. At this point all of the aforementioned had occurred, except the getting away portion, and yet my husband still wasn't happy.
My husband became upset by me sharing this with him, and his response was simply that I made him seem like he was being bratty. My point went completely overlooked. If I felt like he was simply being a brat, I would have just said "dude, you're being a brat." For me pointing out the ways in which he claimed something would bring him happiness and ultimately did not backfired. I am sorry for any way in which I have been a disappointment to him.
After my husband's L.A. plans were quashed, he then planned a trip to Sun Valley, Idaho. He let me in on his possible plans the night before his departure, then claimed he had mentioned to me the possibility of going prior to that. His attitude that night was he wasn't even sure he was going.
The next morning, of his departure, I got up early to meet a client at a property. My husband wanted to know when I would return as he planned to take my SUV on his trip due to winter driving conditions. So now he IS going? Still many details had not been relayed to me such as his route, the length of time he was going to be gone, where he would be staying, whether he was meeting anyone there or along the way, etc. Am I out of line for wanting to know and in finding it odd so many details were still unclear the morning of his departure?
Before he left I had acknowledged our frustrations with one another appeared to be rather high and it will be good for us both to have some space. I was also anticipating my bestie, her fiancé and baby to stay on New Year's Day. Thought the fewer people the better so she and I could visit more; an intention that ended up being thwarted.
Of course I worried about my husband on a long drive in winter conditions. He doesn't like to drive long distances anyway. I didn't resist. We checked in with one another many times during his five day excursion. I was excited to see him when he returned home, though I felt like he was still a bit in the doldrums and not as spirited about being back home with me.
On the third night after his return, my husband had an awful middle of the night coughing fit. He was still sounding quite congested too, like he's still dealing with the cold I was able to clear in about four days. He's going on 15 days of it at this point.
I had a very tough time falling back to sleep. Felt like I was up for hours. Add to that I'm growing quite worrisome and wearisome of my husband's constant hack he won't bother himself to do anything about. That worry tends for me to grow into fear around his health further sliding downhill. By next morning when my husband cheerily prodded me to wake, I was less than pleased. To begin with, my body was screaming at me for its lack of ample rest. I felt really groggy and all around crappy. I was finding it a bit laborious to breath. My mood was of course adversely affected by this, too. I was crabby. Tired. Crabby. Feeling unwell. Probably looking quite unwell. In this instance it seemed as if my husband was just trying to sweep it all under the rug and happily pretend all was fine and good. Great, except for me it wasn't.
My husband decided to be Mister Fix It around the outside of the house. Friday was sunny and he had the day off. When he ordered me outside to help, I rolled my eyes and sighed heavily in protest, that apparently broke a big straw. He yelled at me then withdrew from me. He has been withdrawn almost ever since, except for our most recent exchange.
I tried to appeal to him on Friday. To open up our dialogue I said I needed to come clean with him about something. That I really don't know how to relate to him about how I'm feeling and what's in my heart. I did this in a calm, diffused and non-threatening manner. I told him I feel like I'm well setup for failure in my healing, my work and most importantly my marriage; all three of the things I've been fighting the hardest to keep above water the last three years. That I feel we would be well served to review our vows to one another because I feel like we're not honoring them.
I brought up his chronic symptoms. Weighing most on me is his wellness. What if I'm able to heal myself in the coming months as he further declines? All this work to restore my vitality so we can resume a more normal and more liberated quality of life, which he has clearly expressed is very important to his happiness, would be overshadowed. I'm here to tell you this journey I've been on the last three years has required a great deal of work. It's work that's hard to feel is rewarding when one is still often feeling unwell.
Subsequently around his health, I hear his body screaming at him. Even though he ignores it, I cannot. I can't help myself but advocate for his body.
His response was that no one else is concerned about his health. This couldn't be further from the truth. Not naming names, and there are several people I've had this conversation with, people he knows and loves are very concerned. They don't live with him and aren't as close to him as his spouse.
I asked him why he's OK being unwell to which he said he's fine. I have been disease-ridden for three years, I'm very in tune with such things and I know otherwise. It takes one to know one. Also, we're in our 40s. Unless we're cause in the matter of supporting our health, this biological aging shit ain't gettin' any better. As a dear friend often says, these are the maintenance years.
He admitted two things during this conversation; he doesn't want to give it any power or wallow in it and he doesn't want to alter his behavior. This leaves me feeling as though he believes I'm "wallowing" in my own health challenge. I am absolutely not a victim of my circumstances.
Still, he seems to be OK with how his symptoms affect me. He said this is about how I let it affect me and I should just ignore it. That's not unlike slapping someone across the face and expecting them to pretend it didn't happen. Very unlikely to work out that way. I would really have to make great alteration to who I am to my core, which I don't believe I'm capable of, to ignore my husband's body calling out signs of distress.
I confronted him about his feelings toward my disease, that I feel he resents me for being sick. He admitted resentment about the disease and not me. I told him I cannot tell the difference, therefore it still feels like it's directed toward me. He told me I'm dramatic. He also brought up the bratty thing again, that pre-New Year's topic of exchange. That he didn't want to buy a house in the first place. After two and a half years of blood, sweat, tears and tens of thousands of dollars spent, that's a productive thing to say about the first home we bought together. He still fails to get my point, accuses me of not getting him, and regardless, that topic of his perceived happiness of attaching to impermanent things muddies the water of our present conversation.
For my self-preservation I have drawn a physical line in the sand. So he doesn't feel like he has to tip toe around me, and so I'm less subjected to his chronic symptoms at night, I proposed we sleep in separate beds. I was clear in explaining this is not a punishment, it's a last resort and also understanding this is not conducive to a healthy marriage.
So the past two nights we've slept in separate rooms. He is in our new master downstairs on the far south side of our house. I am in our old master upstairs on the far north side of our house. I normally would refer to our home, in this case it's feeling less and less so.
We are still interacting, barely. I am engaging him in casual conversation for the time being. He has shutdown. I'm not sure whether he's slumped into depression or if he's intentionally icing me out because he's hurting. I'm done guessing. I've attempted dialogue. At this time I am focused on moving myself forward. Ideally he'll want to move forward with me; we'll want to move forward together. To where and what end remains the question.
I would love nothing more than a positive resolution that works well for both of us. Too many times in the past I feel like I've brought solutions to the table for my primary and most cherished relationship. I just don't have the energy or will to do anything more at this time other than communicate. My previous attempts have yet to work out. My husband and I are still co-habitating, only it feels more like a weird roommate situation. I would be pleasantly surprised if he looped in our couples counselor and made us an appointment.
This is when I will go into work mode. Work is something I'm good at and makes sense to me. I can identify and solve problems at work. I'm rewarded for this.
In the meantime, I'm just feeling sad and isolated.
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