Snap Out Of It (continued ...)

In case you are wondering whether I gave my brother any money, here's how I responded to his request:

"That's a difficult situation. Thank you for and please continue to avoid further burdening mom. My focus has been on mom, my own health and keeping things in my own life going, which is challenging enough. I don't know what you're asking of me. If it's for money, that is not an option. Mom also is looking for money to meet her mounting medical expenses. If for advice, all I can say is prioritize. You are an educated adult (he is 10 year college educated, and graduated from Cal Poly) and can figure it out. Maybe now is not the time to be worrying about a car if you're facing eviction. Sounds like you have some tough choices to make."

We discussed the topic of human care at my last Buddhism class dharma talk. The abbot gave the example of two acrobatic performers who raised the question whether they concern themselves with how the other is performing in their duo act or if they focus solely on their own performance. It turns out the latter is what is most important. When one is self-reliant, they can then, and only then, also be a contribution to others in the world.

Nearly one year ago, long before my mom's cancer diagnosis, I flew my mom out for my surprise wedding. Another story for another time. She and my BFF, who was our officiant, had an opportunity to spend the day together. They talked quite a bit. My BFF shared with my mom how concerned I have been about her happiness. That I've been saddened to not hear from her nearly as much as I used to, and I realize she's not calling as much because she's so unhappy. She shared my concerns about her health and how it is also affecting mine. She told my mom that all I needed to hear her say is that she's content with her life with Al. My very wise BFF also told my mom that taking care of herself is taking care of others. My mom has never given the remotest indication of being content, nor is she taking as good of care of herself as she is capable of.

It is my understanding my mom will walk the path she walks, and I am to be supportive no matter what. Core to my nature is observing a situation, identifying where improvements can be made and then implementing said improvements. I have little if any tolerance for ignorance and inefficiency. I approach problems similarly, first assessing the situation by gathering information, then determine the most logical solution and lastly consider how I'm feeling about it. My mom approaches life completely contrary to this. She first gets completely wrapped up in her feelings about the situation and all other situations she's dealing with simultaneously, then gets overwhelmed and lastly shuts down before she realizes the problem is solvable. It is my understanding I will need to stretch very far outside of my natural personality to steady the proverbial boat with regard to my relationship with my mom. Now I'm overwhelmed ...

Comforting at the very least to have others who are on board to assist. Namely Mike, who is a Godsend. I suppose in some way this helps balance the vacuum that is Al. Mike checked in with me via text yesterday, wanting to know how my mom is adjusting to life at my place. To which I responded:

"So-so. She confessed to the social worker today she is only weepy with me. She's so emotional with me, Mike, and really resistant to responsibility at every turn. She's just not the person I've known most of my life. I can very much empathize with your frustrations around your dad. I brought her back to the Rosauers' today as we are preparing to leave town for a few days. Meanwhile, they need her there this week while they tend to their mom's final arrangements. So come next week will begin the interim adventure."

His reply:

"If it's any consolation, she's cried a bunch with me when we were looking (for housing) around the Greater Puget Sound. At times I had to be very direct with her and say 'I know you would love to live in Redmond Ridge but the rents are too high.' I worry that the longer she is at The Rosauer Resort (they have a beautiful 7,000 square foot home on the Sammamish Plateau) the harder it will be for her to accept what is the reality of the housing situation. It's a tough one. I would hope that she feels fortunate to have a son (you) who lives here; has the extra room and willingness to house her and assist her for a while. It still frustrates me that my dad and your brother are on the sidelines during all of this. But I've learned that, for whatever reason(s), Jeff seems to get a pass. I want you to know that I have a very high regard for what you have done and what you are doing to help your mom. It may be little solace in the heat of the battle but I think you are a stand up guy."

My reply:

"Thank you SO much, Mike! The feeling is mutual. I really appreciate all you've been doing. WAY above and beyond.

Please keep this between us. Jeff reached out to me last week about his money troubles and hit me up. I denied his request. My mom has always been protective of him and really goes to bat for the underdog for some reason.

My mom's first call after today's appt. was to Al. One would think he'd be standing by. No answer at home or his mobile. Wow. The Realtor called us this afternoon to let us know he's not heard back from Al for a key, walk through and photoshoot.

As for my mom, she seems to have developed quite a sense of entitlement. Maybe this is her subconscious way of counter balancing being so humbled by her medical condition. Regardless, she is living in an altered state of reality. My greatest concern for her mental/emotional wellness is her continual focus on what she doesn't have and what's not working, which makes it all the more challenging to assist her. Thank you for letting me vent."

His reply:

"Feel free to vent anytime. This whole situation is beyond trying at times ... I know I have to vent whenever I think about Al's actions/inactions. When I look at Al's situation and Jeff's I see 'self-inflicted misery.' Al went into semi retirement at about age 54 (my present age) thinking his investment wizardry would pull him through. Sure he had some physical ailments, but don't we all. All I know about Jeff is that he has a pretty solid degree from Cal Poly in what appear to be pretty marketable fields. Perhaps he wanted to work for himself ... That's fine but jeez ... if it ain't working, look at other options. And for Christ sakes, stop asking other people to put their $ into your money pit. In a lot of ways, Jeff and Al are similar. Thanks for letting me vent :) enjoy your time away ... hope you're feeling better"

On Sunday I told my mom I want her to be at peace and I want her to be happy. I asked her what she wanted. She said she just wanted the cancer to be gone. She shared with the social worker she didn't like the support group she went to a couple weeks ago. Said she hated sharing her story so many times. That the other patients all had breast cancer and told her she didn't look sick, adding that when she's out and about people don't see her and think she's ill. It makes me wonder if she really wants to wear that label. She also told the nutritionist yesterday she doesn't like looking at her own body undressed because she has so much hanging skin.

Because my mom's most common way of expressing herself is through emotions (mostly by crying), and when she does use her words she rakes up every topic she's grappling with within two or three sentences, it's really challenging to sort anything out with her. Her mind is so clouded. I've introduced her to meditation. She doesn't practice. I cannot reason with her because she just cries. So her shares occur for me like important clues in the mystery of how this seemingly alien being from another generation operates.

Through my own chronic illness I can absolutely relate to cursing my body at times or feeling like my body is working against me. Our bodies are vital to being able to live one's life. Quite an unsettling feeling when one feels their own body is on the attack and out to get us. It's awful. Then one learns that our body is another living being. It has thoughts and language of its own. Our bodies communicate to us via symptoms. A quiet body may not mean a healthy body, it could mean one is out of touch with one's body. A body that feels good and performs well is more indicative of a harmonious and happy body. So it becomes a matter of learning how to tune into one's body, recognize what it needs and then nurture it accordingly. This is the only way I have been able to go from having a body that didn't have enough energy to move much out of bed to being able to assist people with the single largest transactions most people engage in their lifetimes. My concern is this concept, which is truth, evades my mom. Even if she did understand, her actions have already spoken volumes. She just wants others to do things for her. Honestly this may all be too much for her. Is she getting ready to go?