Groundhog Day

I had my first biofeedback session this week on Groundhog Day. They connected me to various sensors which plugged into an application to monitor my body's stress responses. I felt as humorously awkward as I appeared in the associated image posted here.

Groundhog Day 2014 @ Bastyr Center for Natural Health's Team Care.

So where are we at this week in life. Oh, yes, we still have yet to close on the purchase of my mom's home, which was originally slated to close the first week of January. She and her "partner" Al are still living with my husband and I. They are likely still feeling homeless. We're still feeling like our 2,800 square foot home is now tiny.

We are on a merry-go-round with our lender. They ask for documents. We give them documents. They ask for same documents a different way. We give them same documents a different way. They tell us we will have an answer by the end of a certain day. The day comes and goes. They tell us we'll surely have an answer by the end of that next day. The day comes and goes. They tell us we need to do something else. We do it right away. Then they tell us we have to wait a little longer. I imagine it feels much like we are blindfolded and being asked to aim an arrow at and hit a bullseye on a moving target.

Last night I had a dream about being in a zombie apocalypse in California. Hmmm ...

Today my mom's best friend Sally, who was like another mom to me growing up, went in for double lung transplant surgery. She has a rare lung hardening disease, and was given five years to live. That was seven years ago. If the transplant takes, she may have many good years ahead. If that does not occur, well it would be her time to transition. Sally has been in since sometime around midday. We just received an update the left lung is in and she is doing well. They're now prepping her for her right lung and it will be another two to three hours in the OR. Wow.

One thing is certain, as the days tick by we continue to have a lingering sense of uncertainty. Such is life I suppose, the only certainty being that of change.

As a whole I feel I'm coping better with anxiety, which is understandably present given current circumstances. With regard to my mom's home deal, so many variables that are somewhat out of our hands. The most obvious being underwriting. Also, my husband decided he wanted to change jobs because he hates what he's doing. Job changes can be a challenging proposition in the midst of getting final loan approval. Despite my pleading with him to withhold notice until we closed, he blabbed to his boss. Then he asked if he could stay on until we closed. We thought this would be just a few more days. So far it has been a couple weeks, and seemingly continuing to move at a snail pace.

Then there's the repair situation. The appraiser called a couple things that we had initially been informed we could do an escrow holdback for. Then late last week they changed their minds on one of them. The property is bank owned, and sold as is where is. As buyers we're prohibited from making repairs to the property prior to closing unless through an escrow hold back. So somehow this needed to get done and somehow mysteriously that occurred this week.

Even if and when we do close, mom and Al still have a couple weeks of work to do to get the property in move-in condition. Then there's the moving in piece, for which I will refer movers for them to hire. Then there's whether they'll be able to sustain themselves financially. With Al's IRS garnishment they barely scrape by. Yet another thing that has been moving at a snail pace. My mom got him to finally go into the IRS office several months ago. Since then they have only in the past week or so starting going through his 2004-2007 files. They have not set a date to meet with counsel, even for an initial free consult. I have to be honest here, and I know she's my mom, and I know she's battling stage four lung cancer ... If they continue to make poor choices, they are choosing to be poor and that's their choice. Unless they go through the actual process of exhausting all their resources, which they are still very far from doing, I have nothing to offer them except a roof over their heads and food on the table in the meantime. Once they are under their own roof, they have to figure out a way to make it work or experience the consequences of their inaction.

I'm just now getting back up on top of things work wise. Being a business owner means I don't just collect a check for sitting at a desk and breathing. I have to create the systems to support my actions. Then I have to take the action to bring in the business. Then I have to serve the business such that the business writes me a check. Then I have to keep up on all the aforementioned simultaneously while engaged in the aforementioned. It's quite a cycle. I'm learning how to manage it better for myself, and that is a painful process.

And this brings us back to the theme of this post, Groundhog Day. Remember that flick with Bill Murray back in the 90s was it? The premise of that movie is quite analogous to what life is feeling like during this phase. It's like starting over again every day and working hard to make each day as good as it can be. Some days are just a mess. Other days feel good. Then there are those days that feel messy with good things happening throughout. Overall I am feeling pretty run down today. I feel like I've lost a sense of sanctuary in my own home. I had a hard time today figuring out how to unwind, at home, in my own space. Hence logging in and writing this post.

Keeping things in perspective is challenging. Yet I am truly grateful my mom is doing as well as she is. And she is doing very well. I am grateful my husband is being so attentive and kind to my mom and Al. I am glad my mom has Al as a close companion. I'm pleased with the progress I'm making at work. I'm just feeling I would appreciate a break from my household, some me time to just lounge around and do whatever I wanted or absolutely nothing at all.

Each day I've been waking up and reading a list of 33 or so affirmations. The one that really stands out in my mind is, "thought these times are difficult, they are only a short phase of life." I am looking forward to that really long phase of enjoyable times. I know I am cause in the matter of this. Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps for a coloring frenzy or perhaps a peaceful meditation or siesta.