Erection Killers

I've met a few guys in recent weeks who actually don't annoy me and who I actually like as well as find attractive. Well initially anyway. It's funny how one can go from having all kinds of items on their romantic interest wish list, to just hoping the people one meets won't be annoying fucks. OK, that's kind of taking things to the extreme, but you get my point.

In relation to the four men I've been actively dating over the past couple months or so, I recently let two go becuase they just didn't know how to listen. I know they're not deaf.

Despite fair warning, both faux deaf guys began applying an obsene amount of pressure in the early "getting to know you" stages. In fact, we'll call him faux deaf guy number two who bought me a ticket to a family outting on the Duck Tour. OK, anyone who knows me knows I despise that fugly white barge on wheels, which turns Seattlites going about their everyday lives into zoo exhibits. But it wasn't the activity so much as it was him pressing me to meet his family, barely more than a month into us seeing one another, after clearly letting him know I wasn't comfortable with this. I think most people would feel similarly. Too much too soon.

When faux deaf guy number two finally admitted to me he doesn't drive was also part of the tipping point. Duplicity equals b'bye. We broke up in email, which was oddly pleasant. Actually, I think faux deaf guy number one and I broke up in email as well. How very nonconfrontationally Seattle. Gotta love this isolated little passive aggressive Northwestern oasis of ours.

So now I'm left with the prickly pear and the wookie. A little fur is sexy, but too much makes manscaping a must. As for shaving body hair, please do so only if you're a competitive swimmer or cyclist. Being with a guy who shaves his body is like sleeping next to a cactus. I like being poked, but in the more conventional sense of the slang use of this word.

Then there was the "cocky" guy I met for the first time Tuesday night. Horrible self esteem party of one, your table is ready in the losers section. Good luck with all that. Please don't let me know how it turns out. Poor chump bastard. When in doubt, act gentlemanly. Why do so many guys think they'll get somewhere by acting like total douche bags?

The one common theme I've noticed is that most of these men expect something to develop despite not putting the effort into it. I don't mean elaborate nights out on the town at five star restaurants sipping 100 point wines, though I wouldn't be opposed to that either. No, I mean basic effort, like being able to simply hold and carry on an engaging, intelligent conversation. A little friendliness and humor can go a long way. Really. Yeah, it's that simple.

Speaking of conversations, the wookie critiqued my conversational style the other night. His idea of me rudely interruputing him was when I attempted to further engage him in his own topic of conversation by asking deeper questions. What an asshole. Five words: like it or leave it. Better yet, two words (brevity is king): fuck off.

What inspired this post? Foremost, these jokers who call themselves men. Secondly, a conversation with none other than my dearest Grace earlier today. She had a date last night with a guy who claims to never date.

Their first date was supposed to be late last week. He texted in the late afternoon the day of the tentative date to firm it up. She, like I would certainly have done, had already made other plans. Sorry, no man is worth waiting around for. If any man can prove me wrong about this, I will literally eat my own words on the heaviest weight paper stock with an "I told you so" chaser.

Last night Grace finally got together with this guy for a first date. They dined at a little Neapolitan joint in The City and then ended up back at her place. They shared a kiss on her chaise with no real sparks. A while later he tells her he doesn't really date and then said, "Will you go out with me?" To which Grace replied, "We just went out."

Of course I couldn't resist the opportunity to get some more mileage out of this one, so I emailed her the following:

Yes or No

I like you. Will you go with me?

Are you kidding me?! Even high school was a bit too mature for the use of the aforementioned phrase. I have the utmost confidence in Darwin's theory since so many "men" are living proof that man evolved from apes.

A good man is hard to find and a hard man might be all I'm up for right now ...