Losing That Loving Feeling

The house is quiet, except for a faint hum from the refrigerator. A soft light fills my living room from the ceiling to nearly the floor bank of picture windows. It's dusk on a beautiful spring Sunday in Seattle. I have work I could be doing, instead I'm savoring this peaceful hour when I have no one to answer to and I can contemplate in blissful solitude. For me, right now, this is the calm after the storm.

Last week was anything but smooth sailing. Had it not been for a couple phone calls, my work/life balance would have merely been tipped toward tense. Spring begins the high season for real estate. Last year business seemed to come much easier and in greater abundance. This year is getting off to a slower start. That and I find myself dreading this tax season, which I was heads down in prep for during the past couple weeks. I met my CPA's Friday deadline, so that weight is partially lifted and will be fully once my tax bill is paid in full. Then onto completing my clock hours for my upcoming licensing renewal. I also have some business to attend to on my Mexico home (including an expense audit). And did I mention I turn 40 in a few weeks?

My mom called me Wednesday afternoon. Do you ever get a feeling when you pick up the phone that the person on the other end needs something from you? I've gotten that feeling a few times from my mom. She's my mom, of course I want to help her.

The last time I got that feeling from my mom, she and her "partner" Al were planning a trip out for Al's grandson's wedding. My mom works full time at a job she doesn't like. Al frequents "the oval" where he commiserates with his pals, drinks and places bets. They both identify politically as Republicans, and aside from my mom's supplemental minimum wage job, they both rely solely on Social Security and Medicare.

My mom met Al through her best friends by happenstance. When they caught wind she began thinking of him romantically, they both did all they could to convince her otherwise. Tell a child they can't have something and what happens? They want it that much more. The same principle can be applied to my mom.

When my mom's last and only husband divorced her, and in this case divorce equated to emotional and financial ruin, she suffered deeply. Much of her life she was taken care of and she did an incredible job of caring for others. So when she sits at the concierge desk at the Coeur d'Alene resort, forced to be polite when even the most arrogant and unpleasant of "humans" barks questions at her, she finds herself feeling cheated by life or in some way defeated by it.

So the last time she called needing something, it was because she was handling all the details related to her and Al's trip out for his grandson's wedding. Since he has driven her car into the ground, and it's nearly 20 years old anyway, she had to rent a car to make the five hour trip in. Since they were going to need a place to stay, she checked with me instead of checking with Al's family (of course my mom is always welcome). Since they were going to be an hour south of my place the night of the wedding, she had to book a hotel room. I'm not sure if I made it clear enough earlier. They don't really have any extra money laying around. I'm sure if they did Al would mindlessly waste it at "the oval" or probably just misplace it altogether.

When she needed something that last time, I sent her a hundred and fifty dollars. It wasn't much. The first full day they were in town, my mom asked me to help Al with directions to Emerald Downs, our local horse racing track. I asked my mom why he needed to go there. She told me he just wanted to look at it. I asked no further questions and printed the old guy directions.

The next day my fiance (we were still a few weeks away from becoming husbands) informs me Al lost some money at the track. Al apparently mentioned "it was a bad day at the office." I had prepared breakfast for them prior to them leaving for the wedding. I asked Al how his trip was to Emerald Downs. He said he lost a little. I asked him how much. He said $20. So I turned to my mom and asked her why she lied to me. Of course she became completely defensive and was trying to do everything she could to turn things around on me. I asked her if I should have given her less money to compensate for the extra cash Al had laying around. She says she's never going to ask me for anything ever again. Oh, it's the old I don't want your help because you called me out on my bad behavior. Real mature.

I attempted to reason with my mom, explaining it's not about the money. It's about the principle of the matter. If you don't have money to spend, don't blow it on gas and mileage to place bets. If someone asks you a simple question, give them a straight forward answer. She knew if she had told me why he was planning to go to Emerald Downs, I would have done whatever I could to deter him. My mom otherwise would have had no reason to be duplicitous or less than honest with me. I want to say we eventually got beyond this. Then there was Wednesday.

My mom calls me in the middle of the afternoon. I think we had been in touch just a couple days prior. Our communication has become spotty and infrequent. This is mostly because she has told me she's unhappy, and she doesn't want to bring me down.

Financially, my mom could have been better prepared for retirement. Her ex husband bought her a nice home in a very desirable, affluent area. He bought her a new car. The court awarded her at least 25 percent of his investment portfolio, retirement savings, a good portion of his pension in addition to about $70k annually in spousal maintenance annually (which lasted for 10 years). Plus she was making about two and a half to three times minimum wage.

A few years later she gets involved with the bum. She rents her home for a while and then decides to sell it. She made about $50k from the sale. If she would have held it and continued renting, she would be making nearly $1k per month from it today and have nearly another $200k in equity. Not sure what she did with the proceeds of the sale. Al played day trader with my mom's stock/retirement accounts. They are completely gone.

My mom's ex husband sold their investment property in California. She pocketed at least $100k from the sale. She put a little bit of it down on the home she's in now. I don't know what happened to the rest of the money.

We refinanced her home the summer after my grandma died. Her housing payment dropped to about $500 per month. She cannot rent anything comparable for much less than twice that amount. Al is trying to get her to sell so they can use the maybe $35k in equity she has in it.

On Wednesday she asked for my help. Their car broke. The master cylinder needed to be replaced. All their fluids were dirty. The car needed an oil service and the front axle brakes needed to be done (inclusive of pads, rotors and calipers). I don't know too much about the master cylinder. I do know you don't typically need to replace rotors and calipers if the pads are properly maintenanced. I digress ...

The car was being looked at and they didn't have an estimate for the repairs as of the time she called asking for help. How would they know if they needed help if they weren't sure how much the repairs were going to be?

Since I don't have the trust I once did for my mom, I told her we needed to first find out about the repairs, whether it would even make sense to put any money into her car. She has a '95 Explorer, which is worth a little more than $1,000. I also offered that I would pay the shop direct.

A while later they call back. She puts Al on the phone to explain things to me. I enjoy talking with him as much as I enjoy nails scraping across the surface of a chalkboard. They sound nearly the same, only the chalkboard resonates with more intelligence. Al tells me the brakes are going to be about $900 and the master cylinder, fluids and oil service will run another $300. I advised him to get a detail of the repairs and get another opinion, which he said he would do in the morning since the shop was in walking distance.

Having remembered most brake shops charge roughly $500 per axle, I thought I'd call a shop in their town to see if I could get a more reasonable quote on the phone. Apparently I by chance called the same shop where the car was at and got a $447 plus change estimate along with them mentioning they have a 10 percent off coupon circulating in the local paper. I relayed this to Al.

Months ago I sold a car and pocketed half of the proceeds in anticipation my mom would need a more reliable car soon. Giving some more thought to the situation, it's pretty easy to deduct my mom's car, even for the $300 portion of the estimated work, wasn't worth putting another dime into. The other portion of work nearly totals my mom's car. So the better solution is just to put money into buying a car and then selling her car as-is.

She calls me the next morning as I'm navigating traffic and running late to a clock hour class. I also have a client offer to submit during this time as well and I'm cutting it really close to my CPA's tax prep deadline. I didn't sleep well the night before either.

Still, I knew this was important and had to be handled delicately. My mom doesn't perform well in these situations. It's like having to walk on eggshells. First I acknowledged her for what it must have taken for her to reach out for help. I shared with her what I was dealing with, just so she would know while I wanted to do my best for her and Al, I wasn't at my best at the time. I also told her I found myself in a similarly difficult position in needing her help so that I can best assist her, calling out how delicate a topic this seems to be.

I insisted we are family. Because we are family we can and must be open and honest about these things, about everything. I stated it's important they open their books so we can see if there's anywhere we can find ways for them to save (if at all possible). She had shared with me a while back that the IRS was garnishing Al's Social Security. I asked if they had done anything to resolve this because they still hadn't a few months ago. She said they had but it takes a while, and he doesn't know she's shared this with me. I asked whether they had called Al's son Mike. She said they hadn't. I didn't go into it with her. What this tells me is that it all falls on my mom and Al is useless to help.

Then my mom offers that she came across a credit card that has a $300 limit and she gets paid tomorrow. I tell her it is a poor idea to extend herself on credit and pay interest on funds she doesn't have. I share with her that her car isn't worth putting money into and the best thing would be for her to let me buy her a car and bring it out during the weekend. She then wants to know what they're going to do in the meantime. I asked if anyone died while they haven't had a car. She surprisingly says yes, that her four block walk home from work was very cold and Al had to walk back from the shop, which may be an equal distance or less.

OK, so no one died. Great. I then ask her what a cab costs. She tells me $5 to get across town. I do some simple estimating and acknowledge it might cost them $20 to wait another day or two for me to get out there with a more reliable vehicle. Mom seems to be warming up to this idea. Then she wants to put Al on the phone, which she does.

Al tells me he called the shop and spoke with the manager. The manager stuck to the same price quoted for the brake job. I relay to Al what my mom and I discussed. He thanks me for my help and tells me he already gave them the OK to do the smaller portion of the work to get the car back on the road. I then point out they will still have no front brakes, and it's not safe to drive. He says the brakes don't squeak or anything, that it doesn't sound like there's any metal touching. I then attempt to review the bigger picture, that my mom's car isn't worth putting anymore money into. Again, he tells me they gave the go ahead for the work to be done and they appreciate me wanting to help. I tell him he has no reason to thank me, they haven't allowed me to do anything for them and that's OK. I also tell him some people just don't have a head for business. With that he said thanks a lot, buddy, and hangs up on me. Cest la vie.

My mom and I had a couple text exchanges following. She knows I only want what's best for her. She assured me she has made her choices and she's OK with that. I shared that I can't help but feel the distance between us widen. This is mostly due to the fact I love her so much and it's excruciatingly painful to see her suffer. Sure, Al has no problem further extending my mom's credit. Why the desperate need for wheels? He's retired. There's nowhere he has to be.

My mom cleans the house, makes Al's bed, washes his clothes, feeds him, goes to work full time at a job she doesn't much care for. Worst of all she makes choices based around supporting his antiquated, geriatric ego. This dynamic has bled my mom of her ability to retire and/or have any sense of enjoying retirement.

On the one hand, this is what she wants. She has chosen it. Therefore she's not a victim. Does Al take advantage of my mom? Absolutely, I'm certain of it. That's the part I'm concerned with. No, I don't expect Al to change. He can't expect me to change, either. I will not reward bad behavior. Period.

My mom asked for my help. I offered my help. They declined my help. What more can I do?