My bestie and I lost a former co-worker and mutual friend to cancer within the past few weeks. Well, she was more an acquaintance to me. Even so, she was young, vibrant and a good human whose life in this world abruptly ended. I recently discovered another acquaintance perished a couple years ago. That's even stranger, to much later realize someone my age just suddenly left us some time ago and I was completely unaware. Then there's legendary celebrities such as David Bowie and Prince suddenly passing on. Or seeing icons of my youth having progressively aged. Then there's what really hits close to home.
Being middle age, living with a serious, life threatening (at the very least life altering) disease and my mom having stage four lung cancer. That's a lot to cope with, and I'm unsure whether I've been doing so as well as I possibly can. Of course my initial urge is to in some way make myself wrong for this; feel guilty. The better internal dialogue is I am coping and I have a yearning to learn how to cope more effectively. I'm grateful for being able to allow my grace and imperfections to shine through during this process.
I recently read a couple great articles about holding space for someone as well as yourself. Actually, it's most important first to hold space for yourself before you're able to do this for someone else.
Simply put, holding space is about how we help support one another without judgment. Or as the blog Spiritual Awakening Process lists:
- Letting go of judgment
- Opening your heart
- Allowing another to have whatever experience they're having
- Giving your complete undivided attention to the situation/other person
Problem solving is in my nature. So stepping back from doing that, trying to fix or influence a better outcome is really challenging.
When I think of this topic and how it shows up in my life, I think of how hard a time my husband has been having holding space for me as someone living with and trying to heal from a debilitating disease. I also think of how difficult it is to hold space for myself when I am also so focused on living my life, which essentially boils down to earning my keep as that's primarily all I have energy for.
As I explained to my bestie this morning, I'm really perplexed with how best to hold space for my mom. She reminded me I am a problem solver and advisor so it is very inauthentic of me to backburner traits so core to my being. While I understand what she means, holding space for others is not about being true to ourselves. It's about being true to the other person. It's a selfless, willing act of love. Thus why it's so important to be able to do this first and foremost for ourselves.
When my mom called me yesterday, and asked if I was busy, I knew she wanted to talk with me. The last time she needed to talk with me, my mom requested ten percent of her pittance of what remains of her total life savings. And she broached that conversation on the eve of my forty second birthday, after I had clearly indicated what a horrible week I had had and how exhausted I was. Thankfully I caught myself becoming infuriated and quickly brought that conversation to a halt until I had the wherewithal to revisit it.
Yesterday's conversation was a little different. This was more around her health. She goes into Seattle Cancer Care Alliance about every three weeks. They check her vitals, run blood tests, do scans, etc. This time she was shown to once more be anemic, which means she needs to have another blood transfusion today. They also found blood in her stool, so they are sending her to a GI specialist.
Her partner Al was taking a nap, so she thought it was a good time to have a private conversation. He has a hard time holding space for her from what I also gathered. Admittedly so do I. When these other, more minor complications arise, my mom immediately goes to a place of worst possible scenario. Yet she has convinced herself the cancer may just go away. In either case I am almost certain my mom does not accept the reality around her health. To me it seems backward to dismiss the stage four lung cancer and become alarmist about anemia, especially when one is actually feeling pretty well. When we fail to accept something, we are powerless to change it. So my concern here is I see my mom worsening her suffering.
So of course I pointed these things out to her, that the doctors have all been very upfront about her cancer type being incurable. That these other complications may be related but are not a result of the cancer spreading.
No matter what I say, my mom is in the same place; she's scared. She said she just wanted to talk to her little boy. I realize in many ways, even when I was much younger, I always provided strength to my mom. Of course in many more ways, especially when I was much younger, she provided strength to me. Now she is falling short of being able to be strong for herself.
Sometimes I can sense the child inside her crying out for help, and this breaks my heart. My mom is doing quite well, all things considered. She told me she wanted to be like her mother, to live to be very old, to eventually not know what was going on around her and then to pass peacefully.
We must always be mindful what we wish for and desire. My grandma was a very strong woman, who lived the last few decades of her life with a herniated disc in her back. She worked until she was about 85 and died nearly 10 years later. It was only in the last six to nine months of her life she was less aware to unaware of what was going on around her; a mere shell of the wonderful, amazing person loved by so many.
I told my mom I really believe we are not given anything in life we cannot handle. That even the darkest of things we experience contain some light. I told her I can look at my life now and say I've lost a lot of friends. Or I can choose the view that the people in my life who really matter and I'm blessed to have are clearly in full view. I choose the latter.
When we are confronted by our life's imminent conclusion, we naturally grasp for what our life has meant to others. For a time a couple winter holidays ago my mom was really pleasantly surprised by how many people's lives she's touched; how many people expressed their love and support. To me that is getting one's life, realizing purpose. It's beautiful and something I would love to experience.
Through all of my imparting of words to my mom, all she really wants is for someone to just listen. I realized this, and so I did. I was also empathetic, expressing how these past couple years have been so challenging for her. These are supposed to be her golden years. She has friends who are retired and playing golf everyday. It must seem so unfair.
Also unfair is her partner Al is mentally on a downward slope. They were at the cable office the other day paying their bill. Mid conversation he froze and completely lost track of what he'd been saying, was going to say, etc. He became so frustrated and started to cry. My mom was there to help. In fact she had to write the check for him. He was still able to sign it. As a whole he can hardly do for himself. While she could really use someone to care for her, he's let himself go downhill and she's still caring for him. I'm at least grateful to know he is taking care of the majority of their financial obligations and feels good he is able to do that for her.
It's the holding back to hold space I find challenging. I want so badly to make it right, influence, diminish the suffering in some way. I want to find more strength and self discipline to do this.
No one knows for sure whether they will draw their next breath after this one. All our time is limited and a precious gift for us to do with as we choose. Even so, my mom's physical being has a compromised and greatly shorter life expectancy. Like birth, death is a messy, painful business. I'm sure she's incredibly apprehensive of what lies ahead as are we all. When the time comes, I want as much strength, grace, empathy and humility possible. Now is the time to train for the marathon ...
Sidebar: Eerily synchronistic, my "This Day in History" widget has this story today: The Last Supper back on display after two-decade restoration http://encyclopedia.tfd.com/The+Last+Supper+%28Leonardo%29
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