Bruised Fruit

"Hi, my name is, uh, B.W. Davis, and I'm a bruised fruit." Yeah, I'm going to feel like I'm at a fags anonymous meeting (no such thing, yet) with the topic I'm going to blog about tonight; dating and gay men.

I'm a 33 year old gay man, just a year and a half out of a seven year relationship which started not long after I came out of the closet. So dating is a relatively new experience for me.

I've dated a handful of men. It's always so exciting and fun in the beginning; the mystery; the intrigue ... Then it quickly implodes, more often than not for the same awkward reasons.

Perhaps it's my open book personae that readily draws my love interests' personalities out so quickly. My openness was always a winning asset when I worked as a news reporter. Sources always revealed to me the heart of matters in question, whether the source was justified. I always loved and am still so motivated by a tag line from the '90s TV series The X-Files, "The truth is out there ..."

Sadly, out of the many men I've dated this past year or so, all of them have one thing in common. They're all bruised fruit. What do I mean by that? Well, they all have moderate to severe emotional hang ups when it comes to love and dating, primarily deep-rooted insecurities. One fellow I was seeing just prior to the holidays texted me after he hadn't heard from me for a day or so. He wanted me to let him know whether I just wasn't into him anymore.

At that point, we had only been seeing one another for a few weeks and the holidays were rapidly approaching. Like most, I happened to be very busy with both my personal and professional life during this time. His action raised big red flags. First off, if he had concerns about where things stood with us, wouldn't that merit more than a text message? Secondly, he didn't know me well enough to make a judgment call regarding my feelings for him relative to what was going on in my life. We had been in contact nearly every day, if not every other, so how much more reassurance did he need from me?

The average gay male deduction, "Oh, this guy is really needy. Next."

My deduction, "Wow, I guess he's really into me already and needs some reassurance to comfort his insecurities. Hmmm ... my feelings just aren't quite there yet as it has been such a short time. He's a great guy, but I'm just not sure he's my guy. I don't think I have the energy for this ..."

Either way, he proverbially "boiled the bunny." Bunny boiling, by the by, hales from the infamous '80s flick Fatal Attraction. My BFF Grace first casually introduced this into our colloquial vocabulary about dating just a few weeks ago. Just tonight she inspired me to blog about emotionally bruised gay men, so I have to give her props for the title as well. Thanks, hon! Oh, so boiling the bunny, to us anyway, just means the love interest just revealed enough information about their incompatibility. It can also mean the love interest is over the top in terms of how they express themselves, their emotions and feelings.

Gay adult men seem to, by in large, have many hang ups. Issues around weak sense of self, self loathing and general insecurities are all at the top of the list. Sure, we all have our insecurities, but they seem to be magnified many times over with gay males for a myriad of reasons.

Foremost, the LGBT community has little if any love and relationship role models. LGBT parents are the minority and the mainstream media hasn't permitted us seeing ourselves in healthy, loving relationships until just recently.

Many in our LGBT community have been either emotionally or sexually abused. Many of us have serious familial issues, primarily relating to being ostracized by those closest to us; our parents, siblings, etc. As a result we have a very disproportionate number of people in our community who suffer from mental health issues. Sad, but true.

Being in the trenches of dating, hey all is fair in love and war, I've heard the same stories from numerous gay men over and over again.

"We were really into each other for about a month or so, and then he just disappeared"

"It seems like guys always know how to tell me what I want to hear, so then I really start putting effort into making things work and then it just fades away ..."

I could go on with similar quotes, but I've more to say on this subject. Our early LGBT equality movement seemed to revolve around coercing society to accept our sexuality and sexual habits. Especially after the free lovin' '60s into the late '70s, it was all about three things; sex, sex, sex. Then came the '80s and along with it the "gay cancer" a.k.a. AIDS. Sex became mortally wrong and the movement changed course with a more wholesome focus on family values. The gay '90s made it seem cool to be queer.

Today, we live in a more obscure and disjointed world. As much as it connects us on various levels, technology has also literally ripped our social fabric to shreds, making it seem near impossible for people in our brave new world to feel any genuine sense of community. We are all so physically isolated from one another now. Everyone expects everything to happen overnight, even when it comes to love and relationships. Everyone expects people to show up practically made to order. Match.com is a veritable human catalog with people just thumbing through page after page of profiles until they think they've found Mr. or Ms. right.

The very concept of dating is very bizarre to me. Two perfect strangers, who nary know a thing about one another, sharing aspects of their lives in a romantic setting (usually, not always) with the unspoken hope that perhaps, just maybe, he or she is "the one."

I do believe there is a lid for every pot, but is there just the one? Could there be many that would be suitable? I personally believe so. I'm not talking about polygamy or promiscuity, but rather about there being many different people who could be our soul mate.

Then there is the more popularized belief that we, like penguins, mate for life. Well, perhaps that is ideal, to find the one person you can just grow old with. Lord knows that's been my ideal since I was a child, but that certainly hasn't been my reality.

Once I had a bit of an encounter with a man, who afterward told me he was partnered and in an open relationship. Apparently his partner had major surgery of some kind, is older and is rarely able to copulate. I asked this man whether he was happy in this relationship. He said he loves his partner very much, but the relationship isn't all that fulfilling, and not just because of their lack of intimacy. He said he is Catholic, therefore he made a commitment to his partner for life.

You know, that is a very admirable idea. However, why would a gay man, whose very faith is called into question by the Catholic church, choose to adhere to this ideology? Not to mention, most importantly, why should anyone compromise their happiness if a relationship ceases to serve its useful purpose?

Oh, the woes of dating, especially gay men. Here are a few tips on dating, so listen up, especially you fags:

#1 Be genuine, open and honest. Don't play games. It's OK to be a bit of a challenge, but don't let it get out of hand and don't be deceitful or duplicitous. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear and direct but tactful. All healthy relationships, whether platonic or otherwise, are founded on trust. This is my number one because it is an absolute non-negotiable and potential deal breaker.

#2 Always give the benefit of the doubt until you have enough information to make educated decisions about how a person's M.O. (method of operation) is going to jive with yours.

#3 Put your best foot forward. Life rewards action, and you never know exactly whether this might be "the one," so put some fuckin' effort into it.

#4 Be realistic. Keep in mind people do what they want to do. So if someone isn't calling you or making a real effort to see you, you're probably not top of mind. There may be a good reason for this, or he may just not be that into you. Besides, chemistry either exists or it doesn't completely separate from the two individuals it concerns. You're probably tired of hearing this slang phrase, but it is what it is.

#5 Be loving. Love begets love. This is a classic example of the law of attraction. Like attracts like. Similar attracts similar. That doesn't mean a blond will attract a blond, but rather someone of a certain mindset and emotional state will generally attract similar or repel opposite.

#6 Ask for what you want and don't settle for less than what you deserve. Don't operate based on fears. Who cares if you get rejected. He probably snores, has IBS or boils bunnies anyway.

#7 Have fun! If it's too much work at the beginning it's likely not going to work out. Then again, see tip #3 and then listen to Kenny Rogers "The Gambler." You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em ...

#8 The feelings you spare out there may be your own. Be kind, compassionate, upstanding and understanding.

#9 Be ready for love. I can't stress enough how important this is. I fell madly in love with a man who had an extreme amount of emotional baggage and mental health issues to deal with. We had to end our romantic relationship so he could heal. I was devastated. So please don't put yourself out there unless you're healthy enough to be out there. Refer to the previous tip #8.

#10 Listen to the other person as well as to your gut instinct. After a while you'll quickly learn to identify what works for you and what doesn't. Then act accordingly.

Bottom line is, in every relationship (platonic or not) we work our own shit out on one another. We test the water, push boundaries and set limits. It's only human, especially to err. It's the process of discovering how compatible you are with another person for the long term that is truly an adventure. Sometimes, even after years and years of being with someone, you don't truly know them until certain situations of pomp and circumstance come to pass, bringing the person's true colors vibrantly to the surface.

Just like the X-Files tag, love is out there. I've experienced quite a lot of it in one form or another. Perhaps someday soon it will find me again. In the meantime, I'm going to rub some arnica on all my tender spots ...