All signs point to ... ???

As of late I've been seeing the most lovely man, who I find attractive, sincere, loving and just all around fantastic. Yet something in me isn't allowing me to get closer or let him in further. He has called me out on it more than once, including last night. He said he senses I'm afraid to like him. Previously he said he felt I was holding back. It's still so new, and perhaps I am being appropriately reserved. This man possesses so many admirable qualities and cares for me in such a manner that is quite frankly incredibly divine. So why hold back?

We slept in this morning and then walked a few blocks up the hill for a coffee and a stroll through the park. What a gorgeous morning to be admired and adored by a wonderful human being who I also admire. I told him of some of my near term hopes and dreams, and he attentively listened as well as expressed his support of my desires.

We walked to the corner of a busy intersection where he was continuing in one direction and me in another. Spontaneously I decided to walk him just to the corner of the next block, even though it would be taking me 30 paces further away from my destination. We kissed goodbye, I turned 90 degrees away, crossed the street and continued my way down the West side of Capitol Hill.

One block later, as I was crossing the street, he suddenly emerged from an old brick apartment building and was nearing the same corner I was approaching. He being the man I fell deeply in love with not long after my seven year relationship ended. He being the man who walked away while telling me he was still in love with me. He being the man whose actions spoke louder than his words. He being the man whose words I listened to and longed to believe despite his inactions speaking to the contrary. He being the man who now avoids me as though I've wronged him in some way. He being a total manifestation of the reason behind the observations made by the lovely gentleman I'm with today ...

My heart dropped inside me when I saw him. Part of me felt obliged to say hi since we were so coincidentally standing practically within arms length on the same street corner. In fact, I was wearing a shirt he brought me back from Mexico. Instantly I wondered whether he had taken up residence in this building just a couple blocks from my apartment. He didn't appear as well groomed as he typically keeps himself. Perhaps he had spent the night with a trick. Perhaps he's seeing someone new. Either way it's really none of my business.

Instead of acknowledging his presence, I maintained my anonymity below my baseball cap and behind my dark sunglasses, casually turning 90 degrees away from him and regaining the 30 paces I had given to the other man I had just previously parted ways with. This time something in my gut directed me to avoid him.

Now I have to stop and wonder, am I still carrying something for him? If so, what and better yet why? Why now? Why after all this time? It has been well over a year since he told me to trust that he'll return to my life when he's ready. How selfish, unloving and open-ended - why should I even care anymore? Besides, we were only together for such a short time anyway. Perhaps what we shared during that time is something I'm having a diffiuclt time letting go of. Perhaps I'm naturally feeling awkward because we left things so unresolved and lacking any sort of closure. Perhaps it's because of how he reacted to me the last time we were in one another's presence a couple months back, cupping his hand to the side of his face, trying to slink by me unnoticed. Generally not an action that would leave someone feeling settled.

In every way I've moved on, but that doesn't mean I've moved beyond. I will though, soon ...