Say what you need to say ...

Was only halfway expecting to see the one person who could send me from my usual, confident self into Jell-O with one fleeting glance tonight. Of course, there he was the moment I walked into the party. My heart slid from my chest past my stomach and out my ass ...

This is the second of two encounters within the past few months he has completely avoided me. I'm gathering this might be due to the fact I wasn't very warm and fuzzy during our last actual interaction. He can't even casually communicate with me, so how was he to know my beloved dog unexpectedly died just days prior to the event he approached me at. Not that he would have even cared how deeply this tragedy affected me, but it certainly would explain why I was in no mood to deal with his peculiar, somewhat dramatic and undoubtedly immature behavior.

In my entire life I can think of no one else I have loved more, greater or better than I loved this man. Not even the man I spent seven years building a life with. The good news is he's not the last man I'll ever love. Actually, at this point, I'm not even sure he is a man ...

Despite months and months having passed, he can't even say a simple hello. Oh, he can acknowledge me by attempting to latch onto my friends at a social function or trying to slip by me without being noticed and without the slightest hint of a social grace. Either way, he clearly doesn't have enough human decency to give us peace.

With him I was undoubtedly the bigger man, just like in my previous long term relationship. This time it's up to him to step up, especially since he conveyed to me, under no uncertain terms, I was to trust that he'll "be back in my life when he's ready." I can think of nothing more selfish and inconsiderate than the aforementioned request. Yet, I have ever since honored it and gone out of my way to respect his boundaries despite myself. Yet I still care. Yet I still love him, in some odd way ...

Sure, I've moved on in almost every aspect of my life. Yet he is the one man who lingers in my heart and mind like the wandering smoke from a burning cigarette. His was the connection I most treasured beyond that which has already vanished from my world. It's just as well as I believe he could have been my undoing.

Peace is the very least and the very most I can hope for with him. Please, bring us peace ...