Just Breathe ...

Yesterday while at a special breakfast for my husband's birthday, my mom sends me a text message that simply states: "Please call me as soon as you can." Of course I immediately jumped up and excused myself from the table to call her. When she answered, I was compelled to ask her right away "What's going on?!"

Last week she mentioned having shortness of breath. It's a horrible feeling. Breath is the essence of life. The single act of inhalation feeds our ability to carry on for another few moments. For two years I've struggled with shortness of breath as one of many symptoms from my chronic illness. At times I wondered whether I may eventually become unable to draw another breath.

Recently I recall having read somewhere: After all, life is inevitably fatal. Thus I believe there is an acute awareness all humans possess knowing one day we will draw our final breath in this life. Panic around the sense or even the very thought of this may be instinctual. It is in our nature to carry on.

When my mom told me of her shortness of breath last week, she thought it had to do with the change of manufacturer for her blood pressure meds. So she had made an appointment to see her doctor and get to the bottom of it.

"I have a cancerous tumor on my lungs," my mom explains to me as she broke into tears. Suddenly I found myself reacting from a stern yet somewhat angry place. Angry because my mom has already suffered so much in her life. Angry because my mom has poorly managed her health for many years. Angry because my mom doesn't deal well with these types of situations. Angry because there is a possibility I may not have as much time with my mom as I had always thought I would. Angry because we live in a world that is so highly toxic so many living beings are suffering illness and disease.

"Mom," I said. "Life is presenting you with the ultimate choice. You can choose to press on or you can choose to give in. What do you choose?"

She, thankfully, told me she wants to remain here with her loved ones. She's just scared about what she may have to endure to achieve this.

It won't be until next week when she meets with an oncologist. They still have more tests to run. As of today, they have confirmed she has lung cancer. The next step is to identify how localized, course of treatment, etc. It's the not knowing that's scaring the shit out of her and on top of that she gravitates toward envisioning the most catastrophic fates.

"Mom," I said. "Now more than ever it is extremely important for you to be positive. If you wallow, you allow things to get worse. If you chose optimism, better results are possible."

So many times I cursed being chronically ill. Yet in this time of my mom's health crisis, my experience in illness has been a Godsend. I once worked through a time when my body was so ill, when I was such a frail shell of my former self, when I could barely move a muscle, literally, I had seriously contemplated death as preferable to the life I was no longer enjoying. Ultimately I wanted to live. I chose life. My health has improved, vastly, coupled with no less than an extensive amount of dedicated work.

I am well aware I cannot do this work for my mom. In some ways I wish I could because I've been around the block. This is her path, her journey to venture. I will be there for her as much as possible.

When I returned to the table, I couldn't help but break the news to my husband with tears in my eyes. It was in that moment the little boy in me cried out for mercy on my dear mommy, the woman who filled my upbringing with such incredible love and light (despite her own inner darkness). She's the only mom I've got!

I've reached out a couple times to my dearest friend. She's a wonderful support. It's great to have a sensible sounding board. She's encouraged me to do what I know in my heart to be true. I must go be with my mom, especially now. I'm planning to fly out to Coeur d'Alene this week.

Meanwhile, I'm remaining as positive and pragmatic as humanely possible. I'm no good to my mom if I can't be a loving, level-headed support to her.

Mom told me on the phone tonight she has always wanted to go like my dear Grandma did, without knowing what was happening to her. She says now she fears she may go through something awful. That is life. Truly. Life has its wonderful moments and it's incredibly challenging ones. It may have longevity, or it may be too short lived. The truth is, no one knows when they will draw their very last breath.

I encouraged her for every breath she takes, for every moment she is herself, able to enjoy all the things she loves, to just be grateful. This is how a good life is lived.

My mom has all the people she needs to help her through this so long as she can rely on herself the most. That remains to be seen. I am cautiously optimistic and will encourage her in whatever way I know how.

For now, I'm going to just breathe and take things as they come as much as humanely possible.