Personal Growth & Evolution II

So, I got to thinking some more about whether I was really sorry I conducted myself in the manner I did the other evening with that individual who treaded on my feelings by being duplicitous with me. That this person was so careless with my trust and feelings, despite having proclaimed romantic interest in me, I was floored. I suppose if I didn't care I wouldn't have reacted so passionately. I'm actually not sorry for how I conducted myself. One can't help how one naturally feels or used to feel.

Well, I got my opportunity to apologize. In hindsight, for what? Foremost this individual was nearly 40 minutes late for our lunch today. Beyond inappropriate. Clearly he's not the least bit concerned about where he stands with me, despite having been very clear he has a lot of work to do to earn my trust and respect. He could give a shit. When someone or something is top of mind, it's effortless. He claims to be successful in business yet used being ditsy as an excuse for rude behavior. Apparently he also thinks I'm stupid.

A friend of his who I once dated (thankfully for just a brief time) told me about an ex of his and her constant testing of boundaries, using unconditional love as a way to excuse herself from unacceptable behavior. It's not loving to treat others poorly just to see how far you can push their boundaries, personal limits, etc. Love begets love, though a few people have a gift for being able to give love unconditionally.

Upon revisiting the subject of his dishonesty, he attempted to once again invalidate my feelings, accusing me of reacting too strongly as well as feeling justified for being deceitful. He said he didn't make me feel any certain way, his actions did. Apparently he's not actually in control of his own actions. In fact, he more than alluded to others having mandated his actions. So I guess he can just point the finger at those people despite having allowed them to do his thinking for him. Perhaps if he knew what it was like to take ownership, have feelings, be a sensitive and compassionate human being, then he would be remiss for making such statements. Again, I'm having a hard time mustering respect for this individual.

While we as people should always offer love, acceptance and forgiveness, I think it is also reasonable as well as important to be true to one's self and maintain healthy boundaries. This individual also negates me by saying I have extremely high expectations of myself and therefore also of others. If expecting trust, honesty, integrity, respect, compassion and kindness is expecting too much of others, than do we just allow people to trample all over us? In this case it would appear the expectation is for me to conform to his way of thinking and abandon my value system. Sorry, but the minimum expectation is trust, honesty, integrity, etc. ... If that's asking too much, then there's little hope for humanity.

To rise above it all, let me just say I find it more than challenging to engage with people who insist on always being right. These kinds of people aren't big enough to take ownership of and responsibility for themselves and their own actions. Or to engage with people who aren't sympathetic and compassionate of others. Or to engage with people who exhibit a lack of respect and decency. This is sociopathic behavior, and while I see the good in all people, I fear this friendship would be very unhealthy at best. It takes a big person to own their shit. It doesn't feel good to own up to being dishonest with another person and injuring their feelings. If a person's unskilled actions warranted a little mud in the eye, then this pain is appropriate.

If this individual valued me so much, and I surround myself with many loving people who do (so I certainly understand the difference), then he would step up and be a gentleman. Why does he so carelessly and recklessly waste my time and energy? Guess it's all just fun and games for him. I hope he understands he's just playing games with himself until he can be a bigger person.