Darkness Reveals the Light

This has been one hell of a week! My mom went on another roller coaster ride in her stage IV lung cancer battle. Subsequently my health took yet another backslide. Last night and this morning I could barely get down broth let alone water. I'm quickly realizing I've never been more challenged in my life than I am now. This time is a personal Everest.

My mom and I had a few moments to visit just the two of us on the sofa last night, the darkest night of the year. We sat in opposing corners of the sectional, both of us feeling lousy. Her lousy on account of an intentional fast for some medical procedures today. My lousy on account of an unintentional fast as my digestive system went completely out of whack. I could bore you with the details, what's the point?

So here we are, quite a sick mom and son pair. It was one of those times I had more than half expected my mom to be kind of cranky and self deprecating. What she said next surprised me:

"I am so in awe-I just cannot believe how many people I've touched; how many people have poured their love out to me," she said.

It was such a beautiful, pure moment of gratitude. This from the woman who struggled finding something to be grateful for at the Thanksgiving table as we all took turns acknowledging our blessings.

"Well, of course, mom!" I said. "Of course so many people love you. You have always been so loving and kind."

Today while browsing through Facebook, I ran across a few posts dealing with this subject:

1.) As you waste your breath complaining about life, someone out there is breathing their last. Appreciate what you have. Be thankful and stop complaining. Have more smiles, less stress.

2.) "I would rather be ashes than dust. I would rather my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." - Jack London

3.) "Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people." - Carl Jung

I posted a comment on the last of these posts: "Or in darkness is often when we discover our own light."

Regarding my recent backslide that really took me down, two of my practitioners had similar opinions about the underlying cause. My energist opined I was picking up something. "It's not yours," she said. "It's from the earth." I interpret that to mean some type of energy the earth was dealing with. Incidentally yesterday was the winter solstice, the shortest day and longest night of the year. After my acupuncturist worked on me today, he opined it was as if I was hit with big blast of negative energy which threw everything out of whack. The way my acupuncturist meant his remarks had more to do with stress and putting out negative vibes. I asked him what the best way is to combat the negative forces. He said just simply to love.

Interestingly enough, I was already on the case when I began to feel better today. It started Saturday with some information that really framed things for me with regard to my mom and life in general. Our sister-in-law, the oncology nurse who connected us with the very best oncologist, she mentioned she was surprised my mom is still going strong. Apparently in her experience most patience with stage four lung cancer don't make it to six months. This was sobering.

This morning, when my mom finally came out into the living room as she was preparing for another long day at SCCA, and even though my body was feeling completely entangled, I sprang up, walked over to her and gave her a big, lingering hug. This may seem elementary. As a caregiver I did not apply for this job, nor was I intentionally asked to fill it. I've not been given any clever instruction on how to be or what to expect. I've just bumped along, bruised and banged up by my mom's anxiety as much so as her previous poor life choices.

I recently reconnected with a long time friend of mine via Facebook who I hadn't been in contact with for about a decade. This gal was always such a kick in the pants. I wasn't ever sure if our connection ran that deep. That was until she recalled how close I had always been with my mom, how she remembered me being excited to spend time with her when all the rest of our friends, herself included, hated their parents. She said she really admired me for this. Yes, it is truly amazing how we touch people's lives.

Today it became even more apparent each one is a sacred gift. It also dawned on me how much it would mean for my mom to see my slacker brother and for him to see her. I ran it by my hubby, who has a very low patience threshold for my brother, and he agreed. So we bought him a ticket to be here with us for Christmas. My mom knows nothing about it, we're going to surprise her.

As a result of this gift to my mom, and come to find out subsequently to my brother, he expressed sincere gratitude the likes of which I have not known from him before. He says this will be the best Christmas he has had in years. Humbled he is as are we all by this miraculous thing we call life.