Not Havin' It

I know, I really would be better served not complaining and finding the bright side of having my mom, her stage four lung cancer and her "partner" Al moving in with my husband and I. What's at issue are their priorities. They want housing over here, which is much more expensive than where they came from. They're essentially going to be giving up a $685 per month house payment in exchange for a $1,000ish per month house payment. They exist on 35% of median household income. He has a six figure IRS tax debt, otherwise they would be closer to 65% of median household income, possibly greater, which is sustainable. To resolve this, Al just has to take the bull by the horns and explore options.

I laid out a very simple three step plan for them:
1) Obtain IRS transcripts (which apparently they had already done).
2) Speak with an IRS taxpayer advocate. I even provided the number. (not done).
3) Get a couple of attorney consults on the possibility of discharging the tax debt through bankruptcy. I even provided a couple attorney referrals, and they offer complimentary consultations. (not a single call made)

Al's son, daughter and daugher-in-law are spinning their wheels. My husband and I are spinning our wheels. My mom is spinning her wheels. Al says he wants to talk with his friend Robin first. Robin has already told him he would help after the holidays. WTF is this guy waiting for? So I ask my mom if Robin is an attorney (knowing full well he is not). Then I lay it out. We're all spinning our wheels. Do we need to have a family check in to ensure we're all spinning our wheels in the same direction and for just cause? If Al's not going to take this seriously, do we pull our offer and they can find something, on their own, to rent? I have no tolerance for procrastination. This tax debt is from 2004-2007. It has gone on long enough. My mom having to over extend herself so Al can continue burying his head in the sand is done.

I'm certain my mom was unhappy with my stance. I don't care. This is the way it is. People are damn well going to be cause in the matter of their lives and solutions to their problems or I'm out. Period. Done.

My mom looked so frail to me this morning. I've bought her all kinds of things she likes eating. She's still not eating nor nourishing herself well enough. She came out of the bathroom in tears the other day because her hair is falling out. It's not her cancer treatment. It's her malnutrition, I'm sure of it. She continues to be a victim of her own poor choices. I'm not having that either. I'm not here to baby or coddle her. I'm here to support her. When she fails to support herself, I find myself completely exasperated; at a complete and total loss.

I get the nature of these old folks related posts are negative. I'm just frustrated with their state of affairs. Sometimes my mom acts like a charity case. It's plain sad. I don't know what has happened to my mom. I feel she is really mentally unwell, and understandably given her cancer diagnosis. I've broached her mental wellness with her social worker. My mom said she doesn't like talking about herself and won't see a counselor.

Yet she keeps saying, "I just want a place of our own so we can be happy." Happiness is not a destination. It is a conscious choice one makes everyday when one gets out of bed in the morning. It's about finding contentment in life. While I may be disgruntled with this situation, I enjoy writing thus even this ranting I feel is doing me some good. So there's my silver lining.

People have done wonderful things for my mom. She knows it. She has talked about writing notes of thanks to those who have been there for her, done for her, given to her, etc. So I bought her some pretty thank you stationery. It's been a few days, yes. Even so, she's not written a single note.

I walk in the door tonight. I greet my mom joyfully and get right to a minor home repair. She sits down in the living room and immediately begins regaling me with all of her social security business about them having the wrong amount to deduct from her social security for her medical insurance premium. She continues to mention her medical insurance premium and the amount it costs each month as if it should be free or something that my husband and I pick up the tab on or ...

Here's the thing. If her "partner" would get his act together, they would have 50 percent more income for their household every month. By not just rushing in to pick up his slack, I actually am OK with their pain points such that they realize they have to figure it out so they can sustain themselves. I have my own life to provide for. My mom is one thing. I most certainly do not intend to, nor want to in any way provide for Al's life. He is just along for the ride.

If we end up getting this place for my mom nearby, and I'm on title, we are most certainly doing some estate planning. Al is not included. Sorry.

To come home and immediately be immersed in my mom's stuff is not how I want to feel when I enter my home, my sanctuary. I took myself and my laptop to the basement and am holed up here to just have some me time. Otherwise it feels as if there's no escape.

As we progress with my mom's sale, which appears promising, and we progress with solidifying a place for them, things will ease. Part of that also hinges on Al progressing with cleaning house on his IRS baggage. Get rid and be done with it.

Universe and the powers that be, please grant me the patience and strength to see me through this gracefully ...