Turning Over a New Leaf

I'm forgiving myself for my series of previous, negative posts. At the same time I have to acknowledge that's how I was feeling at the time I wrote them. Sometimes we all ask too much of ourselves. When we do, our egos get bruised and influence resentment.

My recent food reaction and health backslide I understood as my body's way of telling me I have to slow down. I've noticed a pattern of flare ups occurring during times of excitement, whether the experience is positive or negative. Of course I've also been dealing with quite a bit of stressful stimuli in recent weeks. Certainly stress has an adverse impact on a person's health, unless one just isn't human.

The night before my one year anniversary, my mom first confided in my bestie. Following their talk, my mom and I had a good heart-to-heart. In fact, this helped me realize how much less I converse now compared to the social butterfly I was previous to the chronic illness. I've become much more introspective and introverted. I'm OK with that. Yet I can see how this can be problematic for others, especially my mom who occurs for me as requiring much more reassurance, especially now that she's aware of living with cancer.

During our talk, my mom expressed to me she enjoys doing things for Al, that it's not a burden on her. I had an opportunity to express my concerns about how I fear the lack of balance in her and Al's dealings together could weigh too heavily on her, further jeopardizing her health. This time I think my mom heard and realized my concern is out of my caring for her. I was also clear she and Al need to exhaust all their resources before they get additional financial support from their family. This tax burden Al has been avoiding for the past 10 or more years is beyond ridiculous. As well, if this is also how he's handling his aging and declining health, this isn't helping my mom either. I am still very clear about my concern being for my mom's well being.

Even if my care and concern is for my mom and not necessarily for Al, I also realize I have to play nice to alleviate further conflict and keep the peace. Sure, the guy is a total tool. If I can find common ground it is that we both love my mom dearly, and at times we both have a contradictory way of showing it.

I'm really concerned about my mom's nutrition or lack thereof. She's so thin. She's also recently started losing her hair. If there's anything to know about my mom, she is very particular about her hair. If the hair loss is a side effect of her cancer treatment, she would rather be saddled on the sofa with nausea as the day is long than have her hair look less than its best. She spends literally hours on it everyday. It takes her at least three hours to get herself together in the morning. That's no exaggeration.

Realizing it may be beneficial to light a proverbial fire under her butt about her nutrition, I opined it's highly probable her hair loss could be a result of malnourishment. She then asks what she's supposed to be eating. I simply said, "More." Not to mention, I put together a list and details of foods that she likes and are really healthy. She hasn't really taken it to heart. She met with a nutritionist. I'm not sure she has taken that to heart, either. I will say after I connected the dots between her hair loss and diet, she ate a really big breakfast. Whatever it takes for her to maintain a healthy weight.

Then there's my own struggle with maintaining a healthy weight pared with my ability to consume foods that agree with my system. My diet had become more varied to a point. I had been habitually eating an egg with breakfast. That may be too repetitive, just felt it important to have the protein and fat to start the day. My bestie and my hubby have both been riding me about being too slender. I'm not yet concerned about how I look when I see my reflection. In fact, I have some nicely defined muscle tone. Yes, I've shed a lot of weight, at least 40 lbs. from my heaviest (which was way too heavy). I've been maintaining within 5-10 lbs. for the past year or so.

I went to see my energist yesterday. For anyone who may think this completely flaky or "woo woo," you're right. For anyone who may be open enough to comprehend the potential benefits of this work, you're right. Here's what I want to share with you about some of the work we did yesterday.

My energist got to the heart of a couple matters by asking me a series of questions.

Regarding my reaction the day before, she asked, "Is the thought or feeling you had during that experience more loving or fearful?"

Of course I said fearful.

"Is the though or feeling you had more cooperative or competitive?" she asked.

I went back to that moment when I went to inhale and was unable to complete a swallow therefore unable to get air. It lasted a mere moment. Even so, it was enough of a shock to my system to sound the alarms and trigger additional thoughts like what if this gets worse ... "Competitive."

"Is the thought or feeling you had more compassionate or judgmental?" she asked.

"Judgmental."

"Is the thought or feeling you had more safe or unsafe?" she asked.

"Unsafe."

"Is the thought or feeling you had more simple or complicated?"

I pondered for a moment ... "Simple."

"Mmmm, I get complicated," she said.

I pondered for another moment or two about all the directions my mind darted seemingly simultaneously. Here I am, sitting in a dark cinema with my husband, trying to enjoy a movie while my throat feels like it's possibly closing up. So it's a choose your own adventure. There's the part of me that wants to remain calm and try to focus on the movie because I want to appease my husband. Then there's the other part of me that just wants to be home in bed, surrendering to not being in optimal health. Then there's the other part of me that is telling me I need medical attention, otherwise chancing it could be fatal. How could I not be torn in that moment with each of those thoughts being so real to me?

"Yeh, I can see how the feeling was complicated." I agreed.

"Did the thought or feeling you had give you more faith or doubt?"

"Doubt." I said without a moment's hesitation.

"Is the thought or feeling you had more  forgiving or resentful?"

Hmmm ... another one I had to ponder for a moment. Well the fact that I had wanted to appease my husband by suffering is certainly not compassionate toward nor forgiving of what my body was doing at the time. "Resentful." I said.

My energist then explained how answering those questions the way I did indicated my thoughts and feelings I had during my reaction were lies from my ego. She did say of course I may at times need medical attention. Even so, she asked me one of the most pointed questions of all. "No matter what, are you going to be OK? Even if it means leaving your body, are you going to be OK?"

"Yes." I said, adding that I want to remain here for my mom and my husband as I feel I still have so much I want to complete.

Then she asked me the same series of questions about my mom coming to live with my husband and I for a time. To which I responded as follows:
"Loving. Cooperative. Compassionate. Safe. Simple. Faith. Forgiving."

That right there is pure truth, the heart of the matter.

My energist also encouraged me to place my hand over my heart and express gratitude to my body for all it allows for me to do in this life and all it gives to me. Woo woo or not, I comprehend how this gesture could certainly put a positive note into my subconscious.

This may sound a bit odd. Since working on healing myself and my body for the past couple years, I have an increased awareness I am living inside an organism that has its own feelings and language. My body cannot speak in words. My body can express itself through symptoms. Over time I have tuned into what my body tells me. When I am caring for my body, my body expresses gratitude by functioning and feeling well.

The other day at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance's Healing Words workshop, the guest speaker shared a comic book entitled "Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person." It is important to acknowledge the good that comes out of situations that are seemingly bad. It's not all bad in the way it's not all good (the latter a common catchphrase back in my 1990's college 'daze').

I've also seen how much of a blessing my chronic illness has been. I've completely altered my diet and abide by very clean eating habits. As such, my body has become lean and so many people in my life remark about how I am reverse aging. The challenging thing is looking healthy and yet still feeling unwell as well as not as able-bodied at times. I know I am learning to be more patient with myself and the world. Overall this experience has slowed me down, inspiring me to be more present and to look inward for answers. I have a wisdom I wouldn't have had otherwise. This has also tested the boundaries and patience of my marriage, which is all the stronger for it as I believe I will be when I'm fully healed.

I was browsing Facebook the other day and came across these incredible affirmations published by Huffington Post. I am planning to review these every morning when I awake and every night before bedtime:

• I am the architect of my life; I build its foundation and choose its contents.
• Today, I am brimming with energy and overflowing with joy.
• My body is healthy; my mind is brilliant; my soul is tranquil.
• I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions.
• I have been given endless talents which I begin to utilize today. I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them.
• A river of compassion washes away my anger and replaces it with love.
• I am guided in my every step by Spirit who leads me towards what I must know and do.
• My marriage is becoming stronger, deeper, and more stable each day.
• I possess the qualities needed to be extremely successful.
• My business is growing, expanding, and thriving.
• Creative energy surges through me and leads me to new and brilliant ideas.
• Happiness is a choice. I base my happiness on my own accomplishments and the blessings I've been given.
• My ability to conquer my challenges is limitless; my potential to succeed is infinite.
• I am courageous and I stand up for myself.
• My thoughts are filled with positivity and my life is plentiful with prosperity.
• Today, I abandon my old habits and take up new, more positive ones.
• Many people look up to me and recognize my worth; I am admired.
• I am blessed with an incredible family and wonderful friends.
• I acknowledge my own self-worth; my confidence is soaring.
• Everything that is happening now is happening for my ultimate good.
• I am a powerhouse; I am indestructible.
• Though these times are difficult, they are only a short phase of life.
• My future is an ideal projection of what I envision now.
• My efforts are being supported by the universe; my dreams manifest into reality before my eyes.
• I radiate beauty, charm, and grace.
• I am conquering my illness; I am defeating it steadily each day.
• My obstacles are moving out of my way; my path is carved towards greatness.
• I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind.
• My fears of tomorrow are simply melting away. I am at peace with all that has happened, is happening, and will happen.
• My nature is Divine; I am a spiritual being.
• My life is just beginning.