Out With the Old ...

I wrote a draft euology for my mom today. I'm not expecting she's going to go any moment. I just recall a couple years ago I waited until my grandma was going until I wrote hers. I was dealing with so much at the time, namely grief, and my words were heavy hearted. I had inspiration today, so ... I have a solid working foundation anyway.

Spent the day being domestic. Made pancakes for breakfast. Had a delicious pulled chicken taco lunch. Then made a beef stew in the slow cooker. It's nice to relax at home, I really enjoy it!

My husband and I have been under the weather. Today he's much worse off than I, and he kept plans with his family only to return home totally wiped.

This New Years Eve-ning has just been really super duper low key. No plans. He's watching The Wolf of Wall Street on his iPad. Then a text comes in from one of our friends about whether we wanted to see a movie tomorrow.

This particular friend I've known since 1999. We've been close at times. Though forgiven, I will always remember a time when I was at my lowest. He told me it was really hard for him to see me that way, and so he kept his distance until after I worked through it. Working through it took months.

The past few years this friend has occurred to me as someone who thrives on self-inflicted crises. For a time it seemed all we discussed were his issues. Once in recent months he stopped by and engaged me about what I've been dealing with.

It's been weeks since we've connected. It's been weeks since I've really connected with a lot of people being heads down with life as it is.

So I get this friends text invite to a movie tomorrow, one I've not heard of. It was a question whether I wanted to go. In that moment I just replied with a simple "No."

It was a group text my husband was on, and even he challenged me. I didn't want to so I was honest about not wanting to. Then I get an individual text from my friend:

"Your response to my invite hurt my feelings. Is there something wrong that I don't know about?"

I replied:

"Just wasn't something I wanted to do, so I wrote no. That is all."

He replied:

"I guess I'm sensitive and get my feelings hurt for no reason. There hasn't been a hello or anything for God knows how long. Maybe I'm too selfish for anticipating some type of acknowledgment of our friendship."

I replied:

"Did you not get my text on Xmas? Or my acknowledgment about hanging out after the holidays?"

He replied:

"Apparently not. We don't speak the same language anymore."

I replied:

"Between having my mom & Al with us since Thanksgiving, getting them relocated, that my mom is dying and I'm struggling with my own health issues ... my plate is a little full. Though this is a very difficult phase of life, I know it will just be a short part of it. I'm doing the very best I can. Thank you for your understanding."

He replied:

"We all have issues and struggles. Nobody's life is easy. I couldn't relate if I knew someone who had it easy. Having a pissing match about who has it harder doesn't get us anywhere."

I replied.

"Was not my intention. Thanks for being a friend?"

He replied:

"I'm digging my feet in the ground. The fact is I can count the number of times I've spoken to you in the last three years on one hand ..."

Had to push the pause button here. That last statement was an illustration of a point and absolutely in no way fact-based. He continued ...

"How is that being a friend? I'm afraid to reach out to you because I feel like an imposition because I feel you actually have greater issues to deal with than a simple 'hi, friend, how are you.' That might be too much of an expectations for me so that's my problem, my expectations might be too high. I acknowledge you have a lot on your plate and we all have tremendous issues to deal with."

I replied:

"I encourage you to take as long as it takes to think more clearly on the truth. Not just your truth, the absolute and ultimate truth. From there we may find ourselves able to engage one another in a meaningful dialogue."

He replied:

"And what's the absolute and ultimate truth?"

I replied: "That's for you to discover. Everyone lives in their own reality. And then there's just what's so."

He replied:

"Well there it is. I have found no truth so I'm not worthy of your friendship. Good night."

I replied:

"OK, just to be clear you made that up. If that's what you want then so be it. All the best to you in 2015 and well beyond. I sincerely mean that. I'll always want the best for you."

Here's a little something to know about this friend. In the last couple years he has gone through cycles with several of his and/or our other friends. He gets upset, acts out and/or does something to put the smack down on the friendship. Then a while later he thinks things through, feels regretful and reconciles. My encouragement to have this friend get clear on truth was more or less just an invitation to think things through. I know this friend well enough to understand he typically sees things, as most of us do, exclusively from his perspective. I've also seen this friend be the person who injures others and then takes no responsibility. My sense is this friend does at time expect more of others than others can expect of them.

Also, I clued him into what I'm dealing with right now, appealing for a little empathy. Goose egg. This time in my life right now feels to me like my personal Everest. Anyone who would trivialize what I'm dealing with, especially the weight of my mother dying, I will be much lighter and in better company continuing my journey without such "companionship." I understand the point of "everyone is fighting a battle no one knows anything about." I'm actively in the trenches, and really all I asked for is understanding. My sense is this friends need to have things the way they want them trumps what I'm able to and/or willing to give of myself right now. It won't always be this way. Even so, so be it.