Day Six

Had some really bizarre dreams last night/early this morning. The first had something to do with hosting some old college friends I worked on with on our newspaper. Apparently we had just completed a remodel (something that occurred in real life). We had this odd bath, almost like an RV bathroom. Small. The walls were covered with plastic shower surround. There was a drain in the center of the floor. And the vanity was apparently bought on ebay, which apparently we didn't pay for. So the seller filed some kind of a grievance or action against us. The whole time I'm saying, "Well why don't we just pay this person?" I also recall having offered some dinner leftovers, some chicken dish with a pastry crust top, for breakfast.

This dream was followed by one where my husband had a horse named Mason. He thought it would be fun to ride to friends' house for dinner. I had just sold these friends, one of them also from my college paper days, a home not far from ours (something that occurred in real life). So we rode the horse there. My husband just waltzed into the place. The wife had three roommates living upstairs, two females and a male. I went back out to check the horse, who came when I called accompanied by my friends' goat. The horse and the goat had made fast friends and were playing together. That's about where the dreams ended.

Got off to a rough start this morning with my husband when he was heading to work. We've been planning to host friends for dinner tonight. As I'm on this new, rigorous treatment regimen, I asked him to send me instructions for putting dinner on. He resisted, told me he would do it when he got home. Problem is we're expecting them at 7:00 and sometimes he's not even home until after 6:30. By the time all is prepped, and it takes at least an hour to cook, it'll be late and it's a school night and pushes my last round of meds really close to bedtime.

We went back and forth for a while. After he left I received a call from my doctor, who I wanted to check with about initial symptoms from this treatment course. She informed me I could get really sick even months from now. Far from reassuring. I am optimistic I'll continue status quo until eventually I feel 100 percent. That's me idealizing.

So I phone my husband to inform him of this. We quickly get back on the dinner subject. Then he tells me I need not be so inflexible and the whole world doesn't revolve around me. Um, no shit. I am so not that person. This put me on the defensive and of course upset me. I told him how incredibly lame that was for him to say, utterly ridiculous.

He made some mention about how I'll need to excuse myself to shower medicate when our friends are here. I'm fully aware of that. I will of course let them know what's what, get them up to speed. Like I've done with my family. Like I've done with his family. I also let me husband know he could certainly have given his family a head's up casually before they arrived last weekend. It's exhausting to have to explain myself and my health situation to so many people. I've assisted my mom with this through her first year or so of cancer. Do I get a break or someone who can help me in this way?

I then clarified for my husband I'm not being inflexible so much as I have developed a strong body/mind connection. I am quite aware my body appreciates consistency. I pointed out he has little if any awareness around his own health. Then I told him I'm being my own fucking advocate. I'd really want me by my side in this. If he can't do that, than at the very least I'd like him to not impede me. Is that too much to ask?!

I raised my voice at him and he hung up on me. I was angry, and I don't fault him for his frustrations. I've stated this before, no one can be more frustrated with my three years of chronic illness than me.

Things have calmed. We continue to go around in circles though about his occasional lack of support around my illness. Maybe he doesn't want me to be sick? Or is in denial? I want me to be well, too. It is what it is. We said for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I sometimes wonder whether he meant it.

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary. Things have calmed. There's still a little lingering tension between us. I really want to nip this conversation soon. I can certainly allow his frustration, or recent disappointment around me bagging on our upcoming New Years trip to Mexico. At the same time, does he need to fully make me the target of his frustrations? I can tell you it's not aiding in my healing, quite the contrary. Could he, too, find a good counselor to work with? Or even a friend to share with. I'm not expecting this. Just wishful thinking ...

We heal ourselves.