The last time I saw this friend was at a small gathering last May, more than a half year ago. This friend gave every body language indication they would rather have been anywhere else than where they were. It was quite obvious, and not just to me. I gave him a disc of various songs I put together for him as a birthday token, and he later sent an appreciative text. That was nice. That's the last I've heard from him until his invitation decline, which I read as dismissive. At the very least it sounds as if they're planning to be out of town quite a long time. Hope they have a wonderful trip. Yes in reality their message is clearly dismissive. Noted. Filed.
Are we the same people we were an hour ago? No. Not me. Not them. If I'm holding onto a story that a past version of me did to a past version of someone else, or vice versa, neither of which are valid anymore. Not to mention, through what lens are we viewing the events that allegedly transpired? There's no point in holding onto such baggage. People tend to pull that fight and resistance into the present, even though it's not actually happening now. Whatever the story is, this is what this person did to me, this is what I've been through. As long as we're focused on that, we're not here, present in the here and now. How can we be?
We individually create our own realities based on our world view and also our relationship with self. We create stories about other people, categorize them and eventually people in our lives end up in the boxes we place them in. When a person's consciousness shifts, those boxes disappear and people show up differently for them. What if people aren't who we think they are or understand them to be? What if the stories I'm creating about others, even myself, what if they're false? The part of us that doesn't want to let go of our stories is the part of us that needs to be right. It's much easier to be fooled than for people to acknowledge they've been fooled, most especially when fooled by themselves.
The people we have come to know and love in our lives, they are part of our collective consciousness. When friendships fade to black, some certainly can and do, it's like a death. The first place I go in my mind's eye is a montage of all the great, fun times that bonded us in the first place. No regrets. Yet my heart hurts all the same, and an empty space will remain until time has mended it or it is filled with something or someone else I cherish. And that will eventually come to be.
Consciousness is ever expanding. No one has the power to impede it. The truth always prevails. As does an awareness of the error of our ways. This is how we learn and grow. We move beyond fear and ignorance to gain true wisdom.
I often say and abide by not cursing one's bad luck until one is certain it's not good luck. Over the past three years of chronic illness, many of my friendships which once flourished have faded. A person only has so much time and energy. All relationships require some degree of effort from both parties. Having diminished capacity to function in my daily life has forced me to focus on mission critical; home/husband and career. I have little time for anything else, which is quite unbalanced, especially for someone who once indulged a broad array of interests. Still, I look at this most recent loss as a potential gain, an opportunity to have more bandwidth for those who I appreciate and vice versa. So I will make peace with this and gracefully move on from that which isn't meant to be.
Even so, I awoke with labored breathing this morning and my lungs kind of hurt. If you've ever done any intense degree of running, it's like that - an achy burn - also a heaviness in my chest. Yet all I had done was sleep all night. I hacked up some yellow phlegm, which is a sign my body is fighting something. That's certainly not news. It's just that I'm about to start a very involved regimen of drugs, herbs and supplements to attack a couple of bacteria infections (h-pylori and Lyme). I understand there are some risks involved in the aggressive treatment I'm pursuing. I'm nervous, scared even.
My body has definitely been "off" today. Part of my knowing believes having Dr. Marra earlier this week tell me all the ways in which my body is entangled may have actually put me more in touch with it. Not sure whether that's a good thing, it may not be a bad thing. We shall see.
We're between storms today, the sun came out and it was gloriously beautiful outside. I got to have a great conversation with my bestie for over an hour this afternoon. My husband's dad and step mom arrive this evening, and I love them. Right now I'm writing in bed with my dog. For all its challenges, perceived or otherwise, life is good. We heal ourselves.
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